A Broken, Shattered Heart

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Life Lately: An Extensive Update!

It has been a while, little blog of mine.

Is anyone still here? I do not deserve for you to be; but if you are, thank you so much for stopping by and still checking in to see if I have written a new post. 

To help put incorrect assumptions and rumors to rest about what is going on with me and my life, I wanted to finally share an update. This will probably be quite a long post -- most of mine usually are as I love to write, so bare with me while I spill out an abundance of words to try and articulate what has been going on in my life over the past several months. 

First, a picture of the sunrise from my office this morning. It was absolutely beautiful!

I have wanted to write a post updating happenings going on in my life for a while now, but honestly, I have been exhausted. Life for me, as it usually is, has been nonstop; even more so than normal. Because of that, I kept pushing new blog posts back. 

I receive comments and messages regularly from my friends and readers asking when I am going to return to blogging. Every time I received one, I felt a surge of guilt for going so long without writing not just new posts, but posts without good content. I am not deserving of people so adamantly wanting to read my thoughts, advice, and stories. I will never get used to receiving comments like that, but they are everything to me. I truly mean that.

Contrary to the above, I received several messages and comments from a few readers saying "they were giving up on me". Some would state they were disappointed I stopped writing, I seemed to have completely given up on heath and fitness, and that they could no longer follow me on social media. 

I am shocked that people follow my blog that closely and would feel that type of "attachment". More so, I am honored that some people felt that way, however, hurt and embarrassment overcome that feeling because I hate to let people down, especially when it comes to my blog. Writing and blogging are my passions, thus to have people "give up on me" sucks. There is no other way to put it.  If by chance, those who stated they have "given up on me" are reading this; know that I am sorry, but I am human. 

Living on such a strict health and fitness plan for weight loss is very, very hard. I did it for a year and lost 70 pounds, but I went through a lot. I constantly wrote about trying to find "balance" in my life, which I really did not have. I worked about 70 hours a week (my job and blogging), trained 6 days a week for at least 90 minutes, and the other spare time was spent creating new content such as recipes or research, running errands, taking care of my home, etc. I was consumed by nonstop duties and tasks. 

It was hard work and exhausting, but I will admit, it was very rewarding. Around the beginning of October, however, I was became extremely burned out with it all. I was losing my passion rapidly.

Along with my decreasing passion and burnout with all things "work" related, I started to "hurt" more. I felt something was physically wrong with me. As time went by, my symptoms grew worse and worse. I had no idea what was wrong, and apparently my doctors and specialists did not either.

Over the past 3 months, I have been to more doctor and specialists appointments than I care to share. It took many sleepless nights, horrible pain, a misdiagnosis, three unsuccessful medications, and two re-diagnosis's to finally figure out what the hell was going on. The money I have spent and will continue to spend is astounding and quite disheartening at 25 years old. 

But I am finally feeling better. I am finally, finally, feeling like myself again. I am able to smile... feel simple pleasures, be motivated... dream. 

For the past few months I have been void of all of that. That is how much pain I was in; both mentally and physically. I have literally been on my new medication for a little over a week, so my finally feeling like "me" again is very recent.  I am not ready to share everything that went on with my health, yet. Maybe I will sometime because I am so close with my readers... well, I am positive I will once I fight through it more, but just know it has absolutely been a hard battle for me over the past few months. It affected every part of my life. 

Since I started my blog, I have written a LOT about my job. 

I work a lot and I love what I do. It is not my passion like writing is, but I do love my role as an Office Manager and in Human Resources. Since I started at my company, I have really tried to prove myself. I have, but it has been very tiring... I have written about that a lot as well. 

It paid off, though. I received a promotion at the beginning of the year. That was fantastic, but I work a lot more. My "break time" or  "down time" at work is nonexistent, and even when I get home a lot of days, I work. 

Devoting that much time to my job on top of my health issues took a lot out of me. I was not very happy or optimistic... I was simply trying to get through the days. I felt like I had nothing to give anyone, which is part of the reason why I did not blog. 

Thankfully now, I have established a productive routine and can handle my increased workload and stress better. I also have wonderful co-manager's who let me know how appreciated I am -- their small gestures lately have meant the world to me.

Additionally, a couple of weeks ago I created and implemented my company's first ever new employee orientation program! I completed the project alone; down to every last little detail (see the setup on bottom left corner) and that was a very proud moment for me!

I have been with boyfriend Johnathan over 4 months now. It feels like a lifetime, though. We have been through so much together. He has stood beside of me through everything with my health and job. He has stayed up with me all night when I was in pain-- even though he would have to work the next day. He would take me to appointments, stay the entire time, pick up medicines... there was nothing he would not do-- and does not do for me. 

He is my best friend and my love. We have so much fun together and are constantly silly and laughing. To me, that is one of the best parts of being with him. Because life is not just about me, and I actually get to share it with a partner, I am on the go more. I do not sit with my laptop every evening and write. To be frank, it felt great to not do that, too. It has given me a chance to miss writing. It has provided me new ideas and new experiences. 

J and I fell hard, and we fell fast. We have had a lot of ups, downs, twists, and turns in our 4 months, but everyday gets better and is more fantastic. We have made a home together, He makes me feel adored... like a queen. I feel like the most beautiful woman who ever lived. I love the way he loves me, and I am so very excited for our future together. Like I have said before, the year of being single (which included a lot of heartache and loneliness) was completely worth it as it led me to this point in life.

Aside from my health, work, and relationship, my father's health has been steadily declining, and at a rapid pace. My friends and readers know my family has been through hell with his cancer over the past 4 years. It has been the craziest rollercoaster of good news/bad news, and now it is finally coming to an end. That has been hard to accept. My father's fear and pain have kept me up many nights. Trying to accept the fact that he will never walk me down the aisle at my wedding or hold a grandchild is harder to process than I thought it would be. 

I have finally reached a place where I am more accepting of what is to come, but the pain is still there. I have kept my family at an even more top priority because of this-- especially since I live nearly 3 hours away. 

From here...

Finally, for a few days now, I am becoming the woman I was before. I feel like myself again. I am back to having energy, feeling motivated, and working hard with a smile on my face. I have said before that "finding balance" is an immense struggle for me, but I am going to work on that.

Now that I am feeling that myself again and normal (I never knew how amazing just feeling "normal" could be), I am ready to get back in my routine fitness training and healthy eating. My life is very different now, so it is a brand new life for me to write about! Admittedly, I have gained about 15 pounds since October so I am back at 45 pounds to lose, but that excites me. It totally sucks when I see myself nude though, ugh. However, I welcome the challenge. I now need to make my weight loss a priority on top of a partner and demanding job. It's brand new material to write about and a new journey to take. 

I plan on being back to this blog-- I am just going to ease my way into it. I hope if you are reading this, you will stay and follow along this journey with me. I always say "we are in this together" and I mean it. Your guys comments, messages, and emails truly keep me going and mean the world to me. 

See you soon!

PS: I am getting highlights this weekend. (Oh yeah, Fitness Blondie is coming back -- literally! Ha!)

PPS: My two contact emails listed on my blog are down right now and have been for a while now (from what I know). Please email me at TaylorLizAnne@yahoo.com if you would like to say hello or have a question/comment.

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New Year. New You. New Start? The Choice is Yours.

Upon reading posts on Facebook, browsing pins on Pintrests, and seeing pictures on Instagram, I find that that "new years" often makes people cynical. There are those that mock the "new year, new me" mentality, and then there are people who are desperate for it. I see both sides. 

What I believe most about a "new year" is that nothing in your life will change or be different unless you are willing to work for it. Circumstances do not change unless you do.

Here we are six days into 2015. I feel tried. I am worn out from the holidays. Work has been as crazy and hectic as ever; and I find myself stating that constantly. I believe I need to come to the conclusion that is not going to change. Parallel to work, there was copious amounts of travel, lack of sleep, lots of food, and RLS flare-up's. 

I think a lot of us feel worn out from the holidays and sad that they are over. Therefore, a "new year" mentality is just the bit of hope to get one back on track and provide a goal to work and hope for. Right now, I need that. 

But then I remember that everyday is a new start if you give it that power. No matter how many times you have slipped on your diet, said "no" to a workout, bought that purse when you needed to save the money... everyday is another chance to get it right. Everyday is another chance to try again. Do not focus on that bad choices of yesterday, focus on how you can make positive choices today... right now.

That is what I am going to do. I have let loose, enjoyed myself thoroughly, and now I need to get back to work. Life is all about "finding the balance", and I am glad I enjoyed myself and veered off of my normal tightly structured schedule, as it enabled me to breathe and try new things, which also resulted in me missing my structure! For a while I was bored of it... now I crave it. 

This is a new year, and it is bringing an abundance of changes for me-- a big part is sharing my life with someone else now. Which in itself is a fun, new journey, though stressful at times. 

Take control and be kind to yourself. A lot of people are in that "after holiday" slump. Ease into a new routine that implement the changes you want to make in your life. Diving in too hard into those changes can result in drowning yourself -- crashing and burning. Changing a little at a time creates consistency and consistency is what forms habits. That is what your new changes need to become -- a habit, something you always find yourself doing. That is how I lost weight. That is how I fell in love with exercising. That is how I changed the way I look at myself. Those positive changes that resulted into new habits are what make it easier for me to reset my mind and fall back into a healthy structure. 

So, here we go. From my oily, greasy hair that is carelessly thrown into a bun with my coffee stained pants, I say Happy 2015 and let's make it the best yet. 

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Updates: 2014 Reflections and The Holiday Season

Well hello little blog of mine.

It has been over a month since I provided an update on life's current happenings. I am still here and life is still proceeding as it has been since last month.

Before I get into life, I want to share someone with you guys...

This is my amazing boyfriend, Johnathan. A little over a month ago, we made it "official". I can honestly say that I have never been happier. If you read my blog (or haven't yet, you can go through the archives) you know that 2014 has been an extremely difficult, productive, hard, exhausting year. However, I have grown tremendously as a woman and as an adult. Though it was a difficult year, I pushed on and tried to do the best that I could. Patience is not my virtue, but this year, I did not have a choice but to live patiently -- optimistically hoping that everything would eventually fall into place.

It has.

Life has been wonderful, but busier than ever. I have been with my best friend every single day. It is so refreshing to be in a relationship to where you feel like a team. It feels like I have gotten to know someone that I haven't seen in 100 years. It feels like I have always known him. He makes all of the pain that I went through worth it. I would live through everything again if it would lead me to this point. Since day one, we have been inseparable. He is so kind. He is hilarious. He is so smart; he knows so many random facts about random things and it's so fun. He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman that ever walked on this planet. He thinks I am most beautiful when I do not have a drop of makeup on. 

I never thought I would be saying that.

We have traveled a lot and made so many memories in the time that he and I have been together. It makes every day that much better. Monotonous tasks aren't so boring anymore. The sun shines just a little brighter. 

Work is still busier than ever. Honestly, I wish it would slow down just a tad so at the end of the day I would not feel so tired. However being overly busy is better than the alternative in my opinion, so I will take it. 

I still make my healthy foods and exercise, I have just been a lot more lax about it than normal. To my surprise, I have not gained a pound. I haven't lost either, but I have maintained. I am happy about that. November and December were lax months for me in the health and fitness department. I have been off of my schedule and just "going with the flow". I am unapologetic about it as well. I needed it. It felt good. I am only human and to be able to "let loose", enjoy my new relationship, make sure I do a great job at work, and enjoy my free time a little more has been absolutely wonderful.

On the contrary, I miss blogging. I miss writing and I am so excited to be back! I have lots of ideas, recipes, and topics I can't wait to write about it. As always, if there is anything specific you want to know or have me write about, please leave me a comment or email me and I will be happy too. 

I will have new fitness challenges coming up when I get my to structured schedule of work, blogging, and losing my last 30 pounds! It isn't just me anymore; I now have a partner and he is not the biggest fan of healthy eating (damn him, he is so fit and eats whatever the hell he wants, ha!) so it is challenging balancing all of that now and being a good partner. And truth be told, I welcome it. It will be another phase for me to write about it -- another way for me to grow, become stronger, and continue to fight and permanently overcome my past eating and body disorders. 

I am so, so excited for 2015, and for all of my friends and readers, thank you for staying by my side throughout my absence. There are thousands of blogs one can put their energy into and you guys continue to come back and check on me on a regular basis. It means the world to me. 

I have lots of new content and adventures coming your way and I thrilled to write about and share this new chapter of my life with you all.

I have not been checking emails regularly over the past 2 months, but I will be now. Please bare with me over this next week as I catch up and email everyone back. Please also feel free to email me now if you would like! Liz@TheFitnessBlondie.com -and- Business@TheFitnessBlondie.com.

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Life's Journey Lately

Blogging and social media are ambiguous. On one side, I love sharing random pictures and writings of my daily life happenings - even the most monotonous that I get poked fun at. Additionally, I enjoy looking into everyone's lives: because of curiosity, to find new beauty tricks,  see new products, and/or find motivation, etc. 

On the other side, sometimes I just want to be quiet. Sometimes I do not want to share about my life, what I am doing, and things like that. When that happens, people close to me or who read here regularly get concerned. It makes me emotional because I am still in awe that people read and follow my writings. I will never get over that either. I will never stop thanking people for reading, believing in me and seeing the good even when I can't. 

Lately I have been in one of the "hermit" moods. My state of mind where I do not want to "publicly" share what is going on. There is not anything wrong, I have just felt in the mood to keep to myself a little more. Being the extrovert I am and how open I have been, I know that may sound odd, but I consider it a "phase". 

I feel as if I am starting a new journey in life. I am finally free of heartache and the life I had. It took one freaking year, but I can tell you, I am absolutely free of it. Now that the smoke around me has finally settled and I can see through clear eyes, I feel different. 

I do not feel weighed down by chains. I absolutely still have my inner demons that come to play more often than not, but I do not have the chains of putting myself, my heart, and my dreams last because I cared more about another person. 

I have not felt this way in over 3 years.

For the most part of this year, I have worked. All of my my time has been spent by working my regular job with a lot of overtime and extra dedication, growing "Fitness Blondie" and not just as a blog, and starting a novel. Plus, numbing myself. Most of the time the only way I could do that was by working.

It is a lot. It's productive and it is essential to me as single woman who is solely responsibility for everything in life, but it is exhausting. At first, I had no balance and I wore myself out tremendously. After I recovered, I proceeded to get better at finding a balance. 

Then a couple of weeks ago, I found myself begging internally for a break. My regular job is busier than ever with everyone more stressed than ever. That is what pays my bills and allows me to have a roof over my head, so it must come first. After the work day is done, I am craving fun and adventure -- more than just a Saturday night. 

Thus I have been going out a lot lately; doing different things. Surprisingly, getting back to my "country" roots some. I have made a ton of new friends. I have laughed and made fun memories, and I have enjoyed myself. 

On the contrary, I know that I have to get back down to business so I don't lose you guys, and I definitely will. I am still here. I have just needed a break. 

Since writing is my outlet, my escape, my high, and everything in between, I have been working hard on my novel. I enjoy that a lot because it is only me and my characters. It almost feels like when I am writing, I am in another world. I like that. 

I have also had this awful cold for over a week and a half now. It is about to drive me insane since there is nothing you can do but stay loaded up on over the counter medications until it passes.

I also got my hair done Monday. I am back to my blonde with red streaks... except there was a problem. My best friend/stylist's sink was clogged up when she was rinsing my color and she did not know it. Thus the rinsed red die was still in the bowl as she was taking out my blonde foils. The result? Pink everywhere. We spent last night trying to do as much damage control as we could, but I am now officially a hot mess. Now I just have to wait for it to fade. I will post a picture when I get the guts.

Other than that, I have truly just been trying to figure things out. I feel different and I feel like I am starting a new chapter and new journey with life. It's exciting, intriguing and still a bit scary. But I have come to realize that I do not have all the answers, and sometimes, I just have to take my feelings and plans one day at a time. Through realizing this, it prompted me to keep to myself a little more than normal. 

I'm still here though, I am just finding that balance (especially with work stress) and I am excited for my friends and readers to go through this journey with me. Like I always say: weight loss, fitness, life... we're all in this together. 

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3 Ways I Help Myself When I Lose My Weigh (Get it?)

The real world has been kicking my butt this week. I am so, so tired. I normally thrive and appreciate the hectic days in my office, but this week they are drowning me. I am normally liberated at new blogging opportunities and posts, but this week they are exhausting me. My mom was in town Monday through yesterday, which helped, and was so nice to have. I let loose a little and enjoyed time with her. 

What has been bothering me most-- a lot of the reason why I am more tired than usual, and why I have had so much trouble sleeping lately is my RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome). I was diagnosed in February. I started showing symptoms a year before though, but they were sporadic and did not happen often. At the time, I attributed the symptoms to overworking myself at the gym. 

It feels like ever since I was diagnosed I have issues nearly every night when I get into bed, which is horrible for me because I absolutely love sleep, and I ensure I get plenty of it nightly. It is rare that I let anything interfere with my sleep schedule. For my RLS, I have been on prescribed medication from my doctor as well engaging in a plethora of "home remedies" that my friends and readers have advised to me. Most of the time, that entire combination helps, but sometimes it doesn't. 

Saturday and last night it did not. I was up all night in so much pain. It is so hard to describe the pain to people: it is not an ache or pulled muscle type of pain, it is nerve pain. It is agony to lay still. The only relief I find is when I get up and walk around; which last night I did until 2 in the morning. By then, all of my sleep medication kicked in and knocked me out. Which is great, but I have felt horrible today: fatigued, unable to concentrate, falling asleep at my desk, and my RLS pain is still active. It carried on from the night and is still hurting as I am in my office. I keep getting up to stretch my legs that provides provides relief, but the pain sneaks right back in when I become still. 

Being sleep deprived affects me more than others sometimes. A lot of people are used to it, and their bodies and mind have adjusted. Unfortunately, I am not at that stage. Since I am a very high energy, outgoing, nonstop kind of person, I wear myself out a lot. I have admitted that on here many times. My remedy is sleep. When I am deprived from this, I can maybe be a bit dramatic and overbearing. Hell, I may even act like a 2 year old who needs a nap. I admit it, though. I am not proud. It is just one of my many flaws. 

I was dealing with the sleep deprivation over the weekend and on Monday and now I am back again plowing through it today. When I feel this way, it makes me lose sight of everything. I am a person who has never had balance in their life. It has always been all or nothing. Thus, over the past year, I have been working extensively to teach myself a life balance. 

I have gotten so, so much better, but I am still not where I want to be.

When I find myself slipping and losing my way-- losing vision of my goals, I need motivation to help me get over this internal negativity. 

Below is what I have done to help lately. It may be "over the top" to some, but for me, it's perfect. I am a woman on a mission, I am a woman who is fighting emotional eating, and I am a woman who still has 30 pounds to lose. I am also a woman who is working on improving the way I handle tasks and stress. 

Some of us truly need this extra, grandiose motivation. 

Food Motivation:

Print that picture above (I think the black background and white font just make it so intense and like it's really challenging you) and put it on your refrigerator, near your purse and/or wallet, at your desk-- wherever you need too. 

It may sound silly, but I promise you it works. There is nothing quite like reaching for that slice of chocolate cake after you already had a slice yesterday, and seeing something like that. It ruins the mood. It kills the cravings.

I am all about losing weight the healthy way-- a person needs their occasional bad food and cheat meal(s), however, if you're like me and stress eat, binge when life gets hard, or just have an issue with saying "no" to bad foods more often than you want to admit, something like this will help. It is a reminder of the measures you are taking to try and lose weight and become healthier.

Seeing something that like that puts my journey into perspective for me when a bad day or overbearing food craving start to take over and cloud my judgement.

Exercise Motivation:

I love to exercise. The high that comes from sweating and pushing your body's limits while blasting your favorite music, to me, is indescribable. I absolutely love training. 

But sometimes, my case of the "blah's" after a long day of work or stress, outweigh my my love for exercise. That is when I have to dig deep inside of myself and kick my own ass. Which is unbelievably hard as I am sure most of you know. That is why it can be so difficult to stay motivated.

When this happens, you have to look deep within yourself. It is not easy. This is the number 1 one reason why so many people give up on their weight loss journey: the lack of self-motivation. Motivation cannot be bought. Motivation cannot be taken with a glass of water to start your day each morning. 

Motivation comes from constantly cheering yourself on and making yourself mentally stronger. That is why I think the above picture is perfect to print and keep for those days when you lose sight, and most importantly, when you lose hope.

• I started because everyday I could not look in the mirror without crying.
• I would shower with the lights off because my naked body disgusted me. 
• I started because I was in Target trying on a size 18 in pants that did not fit and I broke down. 
• I started because I felt so tired all of the time. 
• I started because my passion and work ethic for life dissipated on a daily basis..
• I started because I wanted to FEEL good about myself.

When I remember how bad I used to feel, and how desperately I wanted to change, it helps me push on. I may be weary, I may be cussing and crying, but I push on. 

Eventually, you reach the finish line. You pushed yourself: you made healthy choices, and you attended that workout you so vehemently wanted to miss. That is when everything changes. The endorphin's are pumping, your confidence is built back up, and you now how the strength to keep going. 

Goal Motivation

There is nothing that makes a journey so real than seeing what you could be-- what you WILL be. One thing I have done for years now and continue to do, is carry pictures of my favorite fitness inspirations; be it on my phone, on my refrigerator, desk, or somewhere in my home. My two favorite women are Ava Cowan and Pauline Nordin. They remind me that what I want is possible if I work hard enough. When my passion for fitness began in late 2008, those two women stood out to me more in the magazines than anyone else. I have been inspired ever since. 

If they can do it, damn it, so can I. They are women and I am a woman. It's simple-- if I put in the work and dedication, I will get the same results.

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My Story of (and how you can avoid) Exercise Addiction

Finding and living with a balance in regards to weight loss, no matter how much or little, is what my blog and mission is all about. Since I have battled such extensive self-esteem and weight issues all of my life, I have been at the end of both extremes: exercising way too much or not much at all. 

When I first started exercising at 13 years old, my step-mom told me that if I stuck with it, I would hate not exercising -- that it would feel odd and not right to miss days. Initially, I thought she was crazy and there way no way that could happen.

However, it absolutely did. Two weeks into regular exercise, I was in love and a brand new hobby that I enjoyed immensely was developed. Being that young though, I did not understand the importance of resting my body and switching up workouts. I battled this problem until I was about 22 years old. 

If I missed a scheduled workout, my world crumbled. If I was sick and I had a workout planned, I would still go. If I was invited to a party, event, festival, etc. and it interfered with the gym and working out, I would never go. If I planned a rest day because I was very store and/or tired, a few hours into the afternoon and evening, I would be driving myself crazy, then end up going to the gym. I had to exercise; if I didn't, all of my hard work would come undone by missing that single workout. 

That is unbelievably dramatic and most of all false, but that was how my mind worked. I was an extremist, and I am still fighting that to this day. I was either all in at 120% or at negative 120%. If I missed that planned workout for some reason, I would cry and refuse to go out or be seen because of how disgusting I felt. At times, I would cancel plans to go with my friends because I had missed my workout and felt I did not deserve to go out. I felt by missing that workout, I had put on 20 pounds. 

When I put on the significant amount of weight at end of 2012 and throughout most of 2013, I knew when I lost weight for the second time, I had to dig exceptionally deep inside of myself and tackle all of my food, exercise, and self-esteem issues that I had been suppressing for so long; not resolving. 

If you feel yourself  or you know someone feeling this way about exercise and working out, this post is for you. 

The first thing I had to realize is that I did not put all of my weight on overnight and I was definitely not going to lose it that soon. It is much easier to gain weight than lose weight; which is why so much of the United States is obese. Fat loss is achieved by being consistent. You are still consistent if a workout is missed. Learning your body is the best thing you can do for yourself. You may have your workouts scheduled for the entire week, then after a couple of them, you are more sore than you thought. When it is a hurting kind of sore, you absolutely need to rest your body so the muscles can repair. Another extremely important thing to teach yourself is the difference between "tired" and "fatigued". The days where you feel "ugh, I so don't feel like working out, I'm tired", you absolutely should still exercise. However, if you are chronically tired, feeling overly sluggish throughout the day, and having a hard time staying focused or motivated, that is usually your body begging for rest to recover. 

Below could be signs of over-exercise: 

• excessive weight loss -- this is usually muscle, not fat
• undernourishment
• menstruation problems in women
• fatigue
• isolation and weakened social relationships
• irritability
• frequent injuries

There are consequences to over exercising. The body can enter a catabolic state, in which muscle (NOT fat) tissues are broken down to fuel immediate needs. In short: muscle is burned and the fat is stored. Additionally, one can develop microscopic tears in muscle fibers,; which if unable to repair because of extreme exercise is still being continued, could lead to permanent injuries. Immune systems are actually weakened from over-exercise, which is why when I would still workout when I was sick, I would take significantly longer to heal. Other issues are bone problems, especially in women, and insomnia. 

Weight loss is hard. It is simple, but very hard. It requires dedication and consistency, but it is also absolutely imperative that someone have a balance while trying. You can drive yourself crazy if you don't. You can miss out so much in life if you don't. Being fit and healthy should be lifestyle; not your entire life. As I always like to say and remember, and what helps me often times is that yes I may mess up - especially lately, but every second I am alive, it's a chance for me to get it right. If I had a cupcake yesterday after having my cheat meal the day before, there is nothing I can do it about now. It's done. But I can make a healthy choice today. I can push harder on my training. I can ensure I eat enough to fight cravings.

This journey is all about learning to believe in yourself and know that if you just keep going and trying, the results you want will happen. 

I am now 11 months into my weight loss journey. I wanted to be at a 90 pound loss at this time, however, I am at 65 pounds. I am disappointed, I will not lie and say that I am not, but I know the journey can still be continued. I am alive today, I am healthy today, and that means I can keep going and pushing myself and my 100 pound weight loss goal will absolutely be achieved. 

These posts may also help and are closely related to this issue:

• What happens when your weight loss journey gets too hard?
• Battling My Food Addiction and Emotional Eating
• How to Break Through a Weight Loss Plateau

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My passion is not dead... it's just sleeping?

I think for the first time since I started blogging 16 months ago, I have writers block. This white screen for writing that I normally find so liberating and fun, is currently exhausting and demanding. I absolutely hate feeling this way. I'm fine, though. I am not overly happy, but I am not sad. I am thankful I am not feeling with the pain and depression that ensued for a big part of this year, but I do not feel back to myself at 100%. 

I have to be honest when I say my motivation is lacking. My weight loss started to really stall in August after months and months of a steady decline. Combine that with work stress and the nagging heartache that would just not go away, and I felt myself losing everything but fat. I still have not gotten back into my "groove" and schedule with clean eating and training. I absolutely love exercise, but I have been "eh" lately. My food has been boring to me and I haven't wanted it; therefore I have been "cheating" a lot more. I just changed gyms. I have had a lot going on at work. Since all of that has ensued, I find myself bored, empty, and numb. Like I said, I am not necessarily sad, I just feel myself not caring about anything. That isn't like me at all. 

Now that my emotions and heart have healed and I can see a little more clearly, I find myself in a rut. I am bored. "Blah" is probably the word of the month for me. I am craving something to make me feel alive... to give me an adventure...to help bring my passion for life and fitness that I have always had. Who is this girl that is feeling this way? It certainly is not me.

I am in a big growing pain. I believe the term for what I have experienced this year is a "quarter life crisis". After all, I am 25 years old now.

I am not exactly sure what to do to rid this prolonged case of the "Monday's" that feel permanently instilled in my mind right now. Normally at this point, I am making an extensive plan to get over whatever is bringing me down, but not this time. The reason being is because I am not sure what could help this. 

I am just going to take it one day at a time. That is all I have to offer right now; and hopefully by putting one foot in front of the other, life will get back to normal. 

I do know that I absolutely have to do better with my food choices and training. I feel so damn good when I execute my nutrition and exercise plan; I just have to suck up my "ugh, I don't feel like it" because I know I have to get the rest of this weight off. It will depress the life out of me if I don't. I also know that once I force myself to adhere to my plan for a couple of days, it starts becoming a norm to me. It is hard for the first few days, but then it evens out and I feel great and remember why this is my passion.

I hate writing posts like this and I feel like over the past couple of months I have written at least one or two a month, but I have vowed to be honest on my blog. Sometimes it embarrasses me, but it helps me understand and acknowledge my feelings; which is the first step to change. Simply put, this year has been so, so hard on me, filled with so many struggles from family to love and everything in between.

But I know that I am a strong person. I am humble, I am honest, and I am always willing to grow and learn. Therefore I will pull through this. Right now I taking life one day at a time and doing the best I can. I am doing better... not nearly as good as I want to be, but I am better than I was a few weeks ago. My passion is not dead, it's just sleeping. And I for one, am ready for it to wake up. 

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My Tips and Truths About Blogging

I saw many bloggers participating in Taylor's linkup for "Blogtober", a linkup where one posts a blog post everyday in October aligned with the daily theme. Since my middle name is "planner" and I have a lot scheduled for this month, I have not participated, though I love the idea! 

One of the daily themes that was recently had, really stuck out to me. It was 10 tips, advice, lies, and/or things you have learned about blogging. I thoroughly enjoyed reading how other people perceive and value blogging. 

For quite some time, some of my friends and readers have asked me to write a post on how I have grown my blog, my plans, tips, and/or advice. I have been hesitant to ever write a post like that because quite frankly, who am I to tell someone how to blog? It kind of annoys me when people put rules to blogging. There is no right or one wrong way; blogging is what you want you want to make of it and that is what I love about it! 

Seeing those blog posts gave me the inspiration to write about my experience blogging thus far. I wanted to write about what I have learned, advice I have, tips, and I would love for you guys to share yours as well.  This is by no means a standard to follow; as I stated above, I do not really believe in that. This is more of my view thus far on the world of blogging. 

My truth about blogging is that I never knew how much joy and purpose it could bring to me. Simply put; this is my thing. I spent the better part of my teenage and young adult life trying to figure out what the hell I want to do with myself. I knew I wanted to make a difference. I knew I wanted to bring women together and to try and make the world a better place. I was just unsure how exactly to do this. 

Then I started writing. 

When I was growing up, I was always writing and drawing (I was no good), and making short stories. I never thought about making it a career though. To be honest, I would have not even known where to begin anyway. Then in June of last year, I randomly started this blog on Thursday afternoon. I had been reading a few lifestyle blogs for a couple a months and I really enjoyed it. I am a naturally curious about other peoples lives; nosy if you must, so I thought it would be fun to create an online scrapbook of my life. I started this blog solely because I wanted to document my day-to-day life, no matter how boring or monotonous. 

I also wanted no one to read this that I knew personally. Thanks to Google and being semi-known for my weight loss, people that I knew personally slowly but surely started to find out about my blog. I contemplated deleting it then, but I held off because I grew to love it so much. However, that changed when my partner (ex now) found my blog. He hated it. I am unsure why... well no I am not, I know why (no one was allowed to give me compliments or attention). I then thought "Well now I have to delete my blog. Even though I love it so, so much, and it makes me incredibly happy, there is no way I can continue to write anymore". This resulted in a hiatus for about 3 weeks. 

During that time, life as I knew it changed 100%. My two and a half year relationship ended, I started a new job, I was moving, and I had gained so much weight since the end of 2012 that I was rapidly approaching the heaviest I had ever been. 

At the end of October, I opened my blog back up, and I told myself that now I was going to start living for myself. I had let myself and my happiness go for so long. My life was in sense starting over and I wanted to document it on this blog. I desperately needed it too.

In January, the direction of my blog started to change. I started writing about my weight loss journey, my new life, my problems, my afflictions, and everything in between. That is when my passion really started to grow. I started to realize my purpose in life was writing and helping other people. I am not afraid to open myself up to judgement and criticism in hopes that it can help someone else heal or avoid making mistakes that I have. 

Blogging has now become one of my greatest passions in life. I do it to document my life; and it is definitely still my online scrapbook. More so, I do it to help me grow as a person and other people. Writing is unbelievably therapeutic for me and my readers and friends I have made from here have helped me more than words could ever say. I love each of you from the bottom of my heart and no matter the direction my blog goes into, I hope you always know that. 

My hope for this blog and that it keeps growing; and I am willing to put it in the work and effort that requires, especially because no matter what I will always be authentic. I hope Fitness Blondie continues to expand and inspire, and I want to write novels. I am taking it one day at a time, but that is my vision; and a girl with a vision becomes a woman with a purpose.

This is the biggest piece of advice I could ever give to anyone who wants to blog or already does. Please be you. If everyone was the same, this network of people would be so boring. Variety truly is the spice of life. Do not compare your blog design, logistics, or writing style to anyone else. People see through "fake" and "staged", and it is not a good look for anyone. If your blog is meant to grow, it will. If this is your calling and you want to become "blog famous", it will happen. You can buy numbers, but you cannot buy readers.

Do not be someone you are not. People are going to appear to make a lot more money than you, have the perfect, husband, children, house, cars, and so on, and it is fine to be intrigued and interested in it, but remember to not compare yourself to that and embrace the life you have.

Opening up on my blog was one of the scariest but greatest things I have done. By being raw and honest, I have come to terms with hardships of my life and I have been able to properly move on. Sometimes writing my deepest and most personal posts have lifted such burdens off of my soul. In addition, it has also allowed me to see that so many of my friends and readers have gone through similar situations and have given me great hope and advice. Being honest is one thing I admire most about some of my favorite blogs, but when you are writing, be honest in a tactful way. You never know who will find and read your blog. 

There have been so many times where I wanted to be brutally honest and share so many personal things that have happened to me, that would maybe make my situations more understandable, but I had to digress. It is hard holding back on some things, but necessary. It is also important to remember that the more you open up, the more you open yourself to criticism. 

The above tip brings me to my next one. Not everyone is going to like you nor is everyone going to understand you. Blogging is no different than real life, so please be ready for it.  If you really enjoy blogging, dedicate a lot of time and effort, and end up growing, the criticism and negativity about you may happen more. The more you are known, the more people have to say about you. It is unfortunate that it has to happen this way, but it is something you do not have control over. 

At first the negativity could be hard to ignore, but over time it gets easier. When I told my mom about it her reply was "get used to it". I was shocked at that response. She added "Listen if you want to grow your blog like you say do and I believe you can, you are going to have to understand and accept that people are not going to like you. Not just that, but people are going to be jealous of you and do anything they can to see you fail. It is what happens to people who become successful and get known. If you cannot handle that, you need to rethink your dream of writing books and blogging". 

And just like that, I got over it. I love makeup and wear a lot of it. I love feeling sexy and confident. I write about my weaknesses and flaws, and I do it to help myself and other people. Those are easy targets for people who dislike me. I could not allow it to tear me apart. I work and try far too hard for something like that to take over and deter me from my dreams. If you are a good person and a good friend, you will find that in blogging, the positive unbelievably weighs out the negative.

Sometimes though, the criticism will be constructive. I am not perfect, nor are you. Be open to suggestions and growing as a brand and person, but ignore the petty and ignorant things.  If you do not think you can handle any type of negative feedback, blogging may be hard on you. Going through this has made me a much stronger and surprisingly more confident person. 

We all want to be heard. We all love those comments. We all love to see how numbers grow. But be genuine. I love to write, which is why I in turn love blogging. Therefore, I really want my blog friends and readers to read what I write. As a result, I always do the same for them. If a person pours from their heart a long blog post and posts a picture; and someone comments solely on the picture, it is kind of insulting. I do not believe in commenting just to comment or following just to follow. That takes so much away from goal. Not every blog will appeal to you, if it doesn't, move on. If you want a solid, real readership base, then be a solid reader. The same goes for blog hop and link ups; do not participate solely to promote your blog. Take advantage of having a network of bloggers at your fingertips and mingle! I can sum this tip up in a few short words: be the type of reader you want on your blog.

This seems to be a touchy subject for people. If you truly love blogging and want to take it further than just a hobby, do it. Blogging is grossly underestimated with the amount of time and dedication it takes. I spend at least 24 hours a week blogging. I work a minimum of 4 hours a day, 6 days a week on writing my posts, creating graphics, responding to emails, reading my friends posts, creating new content ideas, and finding new business opportunities. I absolutely love social media and business, so my goal is to grow but never, ever lose my authenticity. My advice on this is grow in a smart way. 

Grow by being yourself. You can buy followers, but not readers. Participating in giveaways occasionally is a great way to market yourself and get people interested and intrigued, but if that is your only source of growing, you will not receive the type of readership base you think you are.

Congruently to my point above, another way to grow is through partnering with brands, reviewing products, and writing sponsored posts. Sometimes people can be cynical about this, and that is something I do not understand - as long as your sponsored posts are not on a basis to where it outweighs your regular posts.

As I stated, a lot of us work very hard on our blogs. It is so enjoyable, but still time consuming, especially since a lot of us have full-time jobs and other things going on. Creating new content, creating graphics, finding new opportunities, reading our favorite blogs, writing posts, and responding to emails, takes quite a bit of effort and dedication. Therefore, do not knock a blogger or immediately click away when you someone has a sponsored post. A lot of us give away tons and tons of free recipes, advice, and more, so if an opportunity is presented to receive a little bit of compensation, do not automatically think negativitly about the post or the blogger.

We all love sharing new beauty finds, fitness products, good deals, etc., so a sponsored post is no different! It is a great way to try new products, get discounts, and share something you love or enjoy. Most reviews, even though they are sponsored, are still honest. That is one pledge I have to on my blog no matter what the product is.

My bottom line is blog how you want. I love variety and I love how we are all so different with an array of stories to tell and experiences to share. This post was just a tiny view of my experience thus far in the big ole' blogging world. 

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My Desperation for a New Beginning

Back in the early summer my life-- perhaps that is the wrong word to use... my mental and physical health took a detrimental turn for the worse. I was in such a deep depression that took nearly a month to even slightly improve. Slowly but surely, I progress significantly for about a month. August was a content month for me. Unfortunately it was short lived, and at the beginning of September, my depression and anxiety were back and increasing daily.

Last Sunday was probably the worst "episode" I have experienced throughout this whole ordeal. I was in agony the entire day; so damn trapped inside of myself. It felt like my soul was desperately clawing trying to escape my body. I could not stand myself. It was an inner war. I tried to journal and write my feelings to calm myself down. I went to a movie. I took a bubble bath.

Those attempts helped slightly, but the second my head hit the pillow  to go to sleep, my anxiety completely took over and I stayed up the entire night. I tossed and turned, transitioned from the bed to the couch countless times, took 10 mg of melatonin (usually 2 1/2 mg's knocks me out), and nothing worked. By 4:30 in the morning I was sick of it so I took and shower and got ready for work, and was in my office at 5:30 AM. I stayed awake for a day and a half. My sleep has been horrid lately. I have trouble every single night, I toss and turn nonstop, and my leg pain due to RLS has surfaced a lot more than normal.

Aside from last weeks episodes, there have been a plethora of other problems; mainly the same ones I experienced back in June and early July. My skin is awful around my chin and jawline, my moods are so up and down and constantly changing, motivation comes in short bursts and never lasts, concentration is unheard of, and at any given moment, I can lose control of my emotions and cry. Most days I dread getting out of bed and it is all I can do to make it through the day. 

I try to hide these issues to the best of my ability and most days, I do a wonderful job. I do this because no one wants to read a blog from a woman who is miserable. No one wants to be friends with a woman who depressed. Most days I cannot stand me; how could anyone else?

Everyday I feel myself breaking inside; as if a piece of me dies at every moment. I am sick of it. I am so tired of being tortured by my pain. I do not live my life this way; I never have. I am such a positive person who works hard and believes in the beauty of life. I am a person who believes that our destiny is up to us, and what we are willing to do for what we want.

I have worked so hard to make myself live by these philosophies. Ever since I started writing deeply from my heart on this blog nearly a year ago and started my novel, I have wanted nothing more than to grow and live my dreams of writing full time, while simultaneously help other men and women live their happiest and healthiest life. I just want my words to help. However, none of that is even slightly plausible if I keep living my life the way I am now. I am so miserable inside most days now, that writing motivational posts would be a complete lie. That scares me immensely because I do not want to miss out on my dreams-- I do not want to miss opportunities. I am terrified that I am going to lose everything I have been trying so hard to accomplish for myself because of how sad I have been.

My weight loss has been stagnant for a little over 2 months because of all of this and that admittedly makes this entire thing worse. Most of my pain is from my breakup 11 months ago with my doormat weight loss journey closely trailing.

It is embarrassing for me to admit that I am hurting so extremely over a breakup that happened nearly a year ago. However, what I went through with him for 2 1/2 years is indescribable. I felt everything with him. I went through so many intense and personal things with this person. I finally knew what people meant by feeling like one with someone you love. I had never given my heart to someone until I was 21 years old and went on my first date with him. I still remember that night like it happened yesterday; the weather. the outfits. the atmosphere. the smells. 

The worst part is that I did not leave because I wanted too. I left because I had too. That may not make any sense, but it was a situation where the relationship had gotten so bad, but neither one of us could let go. Just because our relationship had gotten so bad, the love was still there and we were both so desperately clinging to it. I worked until I bled to try and make it last; always compromising, being supportive, adoring him, putting forth every effort I could, and I did it alone. It was never good enough either.

After the breakup, I spent months having my heart thrown around like trash; which is partly my fault because I allowed it. He quickly moved on to a new relationship, but after that ended, the empty promises and constant hope and let down cycle continued. There is no other way to describe being put through that by someone you love, cherish, and adore, other than burning in the flames of hell. I have never crashed and burned so much in my life. Overtime even that slowed down. Not completely, but significantly-- enough to where I was wise enough to realize the comments were not real, but a condiluted statement from consuming a mind altering substance. That did not make any hurt any less though.

Now I understand he does not love me anymore. He does not want me. All of our memories, all of our plans, and everything we built together-- two and a half years are gone. It is desperately time for me to realize this and move on. It is just unbelievably hard for me to accept because I decided that once I gave my heart to someone, I would do anything possible to make it work; and I did. I tried so damn hard. After all of the horrendous examples of love and marriage I have witnessed throughout my life, I was going to take my relationship just as serious as my health and my career. But it takes two. I could not do it alone.

In true Liz Taylor, Fitness Blondie fashion, I am not going to write about my pain and invite everyone to my pity party without a plan of action.

There is one thing I have needed to do for a long time, but it breaks my heart to do it.

I am leaving my gym.

One is maybe scratching their head after that statement not understanding why that is a big deal, but with fitness being the biggest passion of my life, my gym means so much to me. For 4 years, I have been to that place 5-6 days a week. I love my gym. It is home to me. Home is where the heart is, and that gym is my home.

Since I moved to Charlotte 4 1/2 years ago, it is the one place that has been my rock. I remember when that gym was nothing but a concrete foundation. I watched it turn from nothing to a 3-story fitness facility, as I lived right beside of it. I joined there before it opened and I was there training the day it did. I worked there for 6 months. I made tons and tons of friends. I met my ex there. Even the worst of days improved to me when I stepped into that place. I lost myself there. I discovered myself there. I lost 65 pounds there. That gym means so damn much to me, and yesterday I had to let go. Though it is right beside of my apartment - across the parking lot and I am in a contract, I cancelled my membership.

The reason is because since my breakup nearly a year ago, I have had to see my ex almost every single day. I have had to see a person who I used to sleep beside of every night pretend like I do not exist... and like he could not care less. I tried to stay strong; but I can't. It has eaten away at my soul and my joy more than I ever thought possible. I have cried during my workouts more times than I care to admit, Saturday at the gym I lost it so bad that it carried on the rest of the day and throughout my evening out, I knew I was reaching a breaking point and I had to make this change. I know he would never leave the gym because he loves it so much, nor would I want him too.

The positive side to leaving my gym is I am going to be adding a lot more variety to my training ;which I think will really kick start my weight loss again. I only have 30 more pounds to go. I bought a two week pass to a boxing facility; once that expires, I have a two week pass for hot yoga, I am trying a Pure Barre class, I am going to continue hiking, jog more on the beautiful greenway behind my home, and do my "Hot Mess Express" workout more - that plyometric, full body workout, works me harder than anything. Luckily, the gym at my apartment is very nice and I will do my weight circuits there until I decide on a new gym to lift.

I hope-- I desperately hope implementing those changes will help me get over the bulk of my anxiety and depression. There are still quite a few other issues going on in my life, but I feel if I can get over this pain and heartache, my mind and emotional state will improve significantly which will give me the strength to get through the other problems.

I desperately want a new beginning. I want to feel free again. I want to feel like myself. My heart has been in chains for so long. I need strength to keep pursuing my dreams, I need hope, I need joy. I need faith. I am so low in all of those essential feelings. Back in the summer when I wrote the post "Lost Within Myself", so many of you sent the most heartfelt and inspirational stories about moving on from heartache. They helped me a lot, and I pray that one day I will the same story to tell the world. I want to pull through this and be a better and stronger woman that I ever felt possible. Right now it feels like I am going to sulk in this sorrow for the rest of my days. I feel like such a broken person. It is time for me to once a for all move on and close this chapter.

"If don't catch my breath, I may never breathe again, so just know this:
I've never been so torn up in all of my life, I can't believe I let myself break down.
I've never been so torn up in all of my life,I should have seen this coming.I've never felt so hopeless,Than I do tonight.I don't wanna do this anymore...
I've never been so torn up in all of my life,I should have seen this coming.I've never felt so hopeless,Than I do tonight.No I don't wanna do this anymore, I'm moving on."

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