Bayram Cigerli Blog

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Anxiety etiketine sahip kayıtlar gösteriliyor. Tüm kayıtları göster
Anxiety etiketine sahip kayıtlar gösteriliyor. Tüm kayıtları göster

Let's Chat: Your Weekly Dose of Random!

It is Friday; and in true Fitness Blondie fashion, I am linking up with the girls and it is time for another round of "Let's Chat": your weekly dose of random in regards to all things life!

I received my Ipsy bag a little late this month; it felt like it took forever to come. I absolutely love the bag this though; the teal color is very pretty. I used the mascara, eyeliner, and lip color, in the picture below and I think they look great together. The lip color is natural and the mascara really thickens and lengths the lashes. The liner glades on nice and smooth; which is essential for me when I am picking out an eyeliner.

I have not used the protein BB cream that came for my hair but I am excited to use it as my hair is super dry. Has anyone else used it; what do you think?

If you do not know what Ipsy is, it is a monthly cosmetics subscription. On the first of every month you are charged only $10 bucks, and in the middle of the month you receive 4-5 beauty products. The best part? When  you sign up, you take a survey of your likes and wants, and Ipsy will send products catered to your preferences!
My mantra lately has been lazy girl hair. I have written about it before and I am still keeping this style going. I have not been a morning person at all; not that I have ever been, it has just been worse over the post couple of weeks, ha. Therefore, my hairstyles are all 3-5 minutes or less. However, it works! A little dry shampoo, leave in conditioner, and some volumizing hair spray is all a girl needs.
My anxiety has been so much better and damn it feels great to say that. I am staying so super busy with work and blogging; but it's great. It is essential to my growth and success; so I will take it. I have officially started training regularly at my new gym and so far so good. It is good to be back at a gym with a lateral cardio machine; I have been taking advantage of it regularly. I have also been really putting myself out there to make new friends. I have gone out with friends that I have not seen in a while and I have made a few awesome new ones; especially my girlfriends Candice and Brandie. I have been going out, doing new things, and having a lot of fun! That means so much to me especially due to the place I have been in life over the past months.
My dear friend Heather has launched her brand new company Shine Athletica. It is absolutely amazing to see women chasing their dreams and putting in the hard work and dedication it requires to be successful. Heather has done just that with her new apparel company. I know my friends and readers need new, awesome gym gear on a regular basis, so help me support small business and visit Heather's site! She has also been kind enough to offer a coupon code; which we all love!
The wonderful and amazing Diatta has interviewed me for the GuideStar Professional Connection blog to talk all things blogging; what I stand far, how I grow, and what blogging means to me. Head on over to read the article and show Diatta some love; she is so smart with blogging and works so, so hard!


My Desperation for a New Beginning


Back in the early summer my life-- perhaps that is the wrong word to use... my mental and physical health took a detrimental turn for the worse. I was in such a deep depression that took nearly a month to even slightly improve. Slowly but surely, I progress significantly for about a month. August was a content month for me. Unfortunately it was short lived, and at the beginning of September, my depression and anxiety were back and increasing daily.

Last Sunday was probably the worst "episode" I have experienced throughout this whole ordeal. I was in agony the entire day; so damn trapped inside of myself. It felt like my soul was desperately clawing trying to escape my body. I could not stand myself. It was an inner war. I tried to journal and write my feelings to calm myself down. I went to a movie. I took a bubble bath.

Those attempts helped slightly, but the second my head hit the pillow  to go to sleep, my anxiety completely took over and I stayed up the entire night. I tossed and turned, transitioned from the bed to the couch countless times, took 10 mg of melatonin (usually 2 1/2 mg's knocks me out), and nothing worked. By 4:30 in the morning I was sick of it so I took and shower and got ready for work, and was in my office at 5:30 AM. I stayed awake for a day and a half. My sleep has been horrid lately. I have trouble every single night, I toss and turn nonstop, and my leg pain due to RLS has surfaced a lot more than normal.

Aside from last weeks episodes, there have been a plethora of other problems; mainly the same ones I experienced back in June and early July. My skin is awful around my chin and jawline, my moods are so up and down and constantly changing, motivation comes in short bursts and never lasts, concentration is unheard of, and at any given moment, I can lose control of my emotions and cry. Most days I dread getting out of bed and it is all I can do to make it through the day. 

I try to hide these issues to the best of my ability and most days, I do a wonderful job. I do this because no one wants to read a blog from a woman who is miserable. No one wants to be friends with a woman who depressed. Most days I cannot stand me; how could anyone else?

Everyday I feel myself breaking inside; as if a piece of me dies at every moment. I am sick of it. I am so tired of being tortured by my pain. I do not live my life this way; I never have. I am such a positive person who works hard and believes in the beauty of life. I am a person who believes that our destiny is up to us, and what we are willing to do for what we want.

I have worked so hard to make myself live by these philosophies. Ever since I started writing deeply from my heart on this blog nearly a year ago and started my novel, I have wanted nothing more than to grow and live my dreams of writing full time, while simultaneously help other men and women live their happiest and healthiest life. I just want my words to help. However, none of that is even slightly plausible if I keep living my life the way I am now. I am so miserable inside most days now, that writing motivational posts would be a complete lie. That scares me immensely because I do not want to miss out on my dreams-- I do not want to miss opportunities. I am terrified that I am going to lose everything I have been trying so hard to accomplish for myself because of how sad I have been.

My weight loss has been stagnant for a little over 2 months because of all of this and that admittedly makes this entire thing worse. Most of my pain is from my breakup 11 months ago with my doormat weight loss journey closely trailing.

It is embarrassing for me to admit that I am hurting so extremely over a breakup that happened nearly a year ago. However, what I went through with him for 2 1/2 years is indescribable. I felt everything with him. I went through so many intense and personal things with this person. I finally knew what people meant by feeling like one with someone you love. I had never given my heart to someone until I was 21 years old and went on my first date with him. I still remember that night like it happened yesterday; the weather. the outfits. the atmosphere. the smells. 

The worst part is that I did not leave because I wanted too. I left because I had too. That may not make any sense, but it was a situation where the relationship had gotten so bad, but neither one of us could let go. Just because our relationship had gotten so bad, the love was still there and we were both so desperately clinging to it. I worked until I bled to try and make it last; always compromising, being supportive, adoring him, putting forth every effort I could, and I did it alone. It was never good enough either.

After the breakup, I spent months having my heart thrown around like trash; which is partly my fault because I allowed it. He quickly moved on to a new relationship, but after that ended, the empty promises and constant hope and let down cycle continued. There is no other way to describe being put through that by someone you love, cherish, and adore, other than burning in the flames of hell. I have never crashed and burned so much in my life. Overtime even that slowed down. Not completely, but significantly-- enough to where I was wise enough to realize the comments were not real, but a condiluted statement from consuming a mind altering substance. That did not make any hurt any less though.

Now I understand he does not love me anymore. He does not want me. All of our memories, all of our plans, and everything we built together-- two and a half years are gone. It is desperately time for me to realize this and move on. It is just unbelievably hard for me to accept because I decided that once I gave my heart to someone, I would do anything possible to make it work; and I did. I tried so damn hard. After all of the horrendous examples of love and marriage I have witnessed throughout my life, I was going to take my relationship just as serious as my health and my career. But it takes two. I could not do it alone.

In true Liz Taylor, Fitness Blondie fashion, I am not going to write about my pain and invite everyone to my pity party without a plan of action.

There is one thing I have needed to do for a long time, but it breaks my heart to do it.

I am leaving my gym.

One is maybe scratching their head after that statement not understanding why that is a big deal, but with fitness being the biggest passion of my life, my gym means so much to me. For 4 years, I have been to that place 5-6 days a week. I love my gym. It is home to me. Home is where the heart is, and that gym is my home.

Since I moved to Charlotte 4 1/2 years ago, it is the one place that has been my rock. I remember when that gym was nothing but a concrete foundation. I watched it turn from nothing to a 3-story fitness facility, as I lived right beside of it. I joined there before it opened and I was there training the day it did. I worked there for 6 months. I made tons and tons of friends. I met my ex there. Even the worst of days improved to me when I stepped into that place. I lost myself there. I discovered myself there. I lost 65 pounds there. That gym means so damn much to me, and yesterday I had to let go. Though it is right beside of my apartment - across the parking lot and I am in a contract, I cancelled my membership.

The reason is because since my breakup nearly a year ago, I have had to see my ex almost every single day. I have had to see a person who I used to sleep beside of every night pretend like I do not exist... and like he could not care less. I tried to stay strong; but I can't. It has eaten away at my soul and my joy more than I ever thought possible. I have cried during my workouts more times than I care to admit, Saturday at the gym I lost it so bad that it carried on the rest of the day and throughout my evening out, I knew I was reaching a breaking point and I had to make this change. I know he would never leave the gym because he loves it so much, nor would I want him too.

The positive side to leaving my gym is I am going to be adding a lot more variety to my training ;which I think will really kick start my weight loss again. I only have 30 more pounds to go. I bought a two week pass to a boxing facility; once that expires, I have a two week pass for hot yoga, I am trying a Pure Barre class, I am going to continue hiking, jog more on the beautiful greenway behind my home, and do my "Hot Mess Express" workout more - that plyometric, full body workout, works me harder than anything. Luckily, the gym at my apartment is very nice and I will do my weight circuits there until I decide on a new gym to lift.

I hope-- I desperately hope implementing those changes will help me get over the bulk of my anxiety and depression. There are still quite a few other issues going on in my life, but I feel if I can get over this pain and heartache, my mind and emotional state will improve significantly which will give me the strength to get through the other problems.

I desperately want a new beginning. I want to feel free again. I want to feel like myself. My heart has been in chains for so long. I need strength to keep pursuing my dreams, I need hope, I need joy. I need faith. I am so low in all of those essential feelings. Back in the summer when I wrote the post "Lost Within Myself", so many of you sent the most heartfelt and inspirational stories about moving on from heartache. They helped me a lot, and I pray that one day I will the same story to tell the world. I want to pull through this and be a better and stronger woman that I ever felt possible. Right now it feels like I am going to sulk in this sorrow for the rest of my days. I feel like such a broken person. It is time for me to once a for all move on and close this chapter.


"If don't catch my breath,
 I may never breathe again, 
so just know this:

I've never been so torn up in all of my life, 
I can't believe I let myself break down.

I've never been so torn up in all of my life,
I should have seen this coming.
I've never felt so hopeless,
Than I do tonight.
I don't wanna do this anymore...

I've never been so torn up in all of my life,
I should have seen this coming.
I've never felt so hopeless,
Than I do tonight.
No I don't wanna do this anymore, I'm moving on."

Lost Within Myself

How do I write this; how do I even begin?

I have never felt this way in my entire life. I have not been feeling good lately. It is just that simple. I have not been feeling good mentally, emotionally, and physically. I think this is when it started and the pain has grown from there. This is new to me and it is completely out of my character. I'm in a bad, bad place. I felt it coming it for a while and tried to fight it to the best of my ability, but for the past week and half, I have let it engulf me. I am normally very good at hiding it.

I am not a complainer. Every once in a while I write from my heart on here to explain pain or problems going on in my life, or sometimes simply to give thanks and talk about happiness. Writing is my outlet and therapy, and my friends who read this blog really help me get through tough times. I am slightly embarrassed to even write this post, but I am at the point where I can use any prayers or help you may have because I don't know what to do anymore.

I think I finally burned myself out completely. The type of burned out that not just a day of laziness can resolve. This burn out comes within my soul. Am I depressed? I don't know... it feels so weird to even affiliate that word with myself because I try so hard to always solve problems, make things happen, make the best out of life, and be thankful for what I have. But I am not perfect.

I do know that I am exhausted. I'm tired. I'm tired of working so damn much. All of this hard work is not paying off yet. It could (keyword is could) pay off one day, but maybe not. Because of that uncertainty I am constantly self-doubting my ability to achieve success. I am constantly telling myself that I am not going to achieve my dreams. Because some people work their entire life and success never comes. 

I have a multitude of other issues going on that no one wants to hear about and a very, very broken heart. All of these problems combined have been killing me. I can't focus on the positive anymore. I can't really focus on anything. I can't stay optimistic... because for a long time, I did because I believed things would get better, and they really haven't. Actually, nothing has changed. I am just unable to hide anymore. I constantly pray for strength, guidance, and help to get through these hard times, and most of the time I feel abandoned and empty. 

What is most surreal to me the physical symptoms this stress and pain is causing me to have. I am having the worst night sweats, even though I am freezing most of the night. It is literally like the second a negative thought enters my mind, my body starts to go crazy and I sweat like I'm working out at the gym. My hands stay ice cold. My joints are hurting, especially my knees. My RLS has surfaced with a vengeance after months of being controlled. My body aches every single morning when I wake up. Panic attacks come out of nowhere. I stay exhausted. I am always on the verge of tears. I rarely have the strength to text or call anyone back because I have nothing to say. I have nothing to offer. I can't concentrate on anything. This is HELL. I am so damn lonely, even around my friends and family. My heart is so empty and I do not know what to do right now to fix this.  I feel dead inside. This is not me. This is not how I live my life. This is not my personality. 

What I feel right now goes against everything I stand for in life. It goes against helping other men and women learn to love themselves and live the best life possible. It goes again my #BeFearless project. It goes against my book. It goes against everything I am working so hard to build for myself.

Writing this is so hard, but I am the point where I need someone to tell me they have had a heart so broken that it tore their world apart. I need to know that someone out there has been exhausted, and hurt like I am. 


I have had this blog post written and saved for about a week now, but have not wanted to publish it. But somehow, someway, I have got to pull through this, and I am going to remember this moment. I don't know how because I so damn miserable inside and the only time I have peace is when my mind and body are so exhausted that I go numb. Here is where I am right now.

Did You Know That You Can Cope With Stress and Anxiety By Exercising?

ByBob S Heiny

Can't find time to get to the gym every day? When you are really busy and under stress of deadlines and meetings it is difficult. What if you could have less stress in your life, look better and even lose weight by just getting some daily exercise. Would that make a difference? Getting aerobic exercise can reduce your stress and anxiety by up to 50%. While a workout isn't the be all end all for getting rid of the things you need to do, it will help your stress level. Just taking a morning run and then only half the stress! Wow!

Here are just some of the reasons exercise works for lowering your daily stress and anxiety.
Exercise gives you time to think. Most of the stress we have is in our mind because we worry about doing work and fixing the problems instead of just doing the work and fix the problems. When you exercise you have alone time to clear your head and focus on your problems and issues without a ton of distractions. Then, after your work out you can work on fixing the problems instead of just worrying about them.
Exercise gives you more energy. If you exercise in the morning, you get an energy boost to keep you going during the morning and into the afternoon. Stress makes you tired and you feel run down during the day and exercise can prevent that. You may still feel tired during the first few weeks of your consistent exercise, but be diligent and your energy will continue to improve.
Exercise improves your mood. The aerobic exercises that you do help you feel happier and ready to face whatever happens during the day by producing chemicals that make you feel that way. It increases the blood flow to your brain, thus furthering the happy and energetic feeling. The less stress you will have to get you down the better you will feel about life in general.
Exercise helps you sleep. A good quality on a regular basis night's sleep helps reduce stress better than anything, helping you cope with the stresses of everyday life. It not only recharges your tense, achy muscles, but refreshes your mind and helps you process all the information from your busy day. But you need to remember to do the aerobic exercises a good while before bedtime or you may be revved up and not able to sleep.

Try yoga or stretching if you either can't do an aerobic workout or don't think it is enough. Both of these are good for your sore, tense muscles and help to clear your mind and help you relax. Also, if you don't have time in the morning, these can also be done at night without interfering with your sleep (they may even help). You can learn the poses and movements by finding a book or taking a class and then you will be able to achieve your stress reduction.

Make a plan, take your class, find your book, start a workout routine and you will soon feel less anxious, less stressed and more relaxed every day.

Would you like to get rid of pain and be healthier YOU? Check here to find out how: Secrets to Ideal Fitness, and many more tips.

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