A Letter to Myself: One Year Later

Dear 24 year old-August of 2013-Liz,

It has been precisely one year since wrote that blog post. That blog post was the beginning. The beginning of you understanding that you needed to change your life. And you have. Your life has changed 100% since then.

Get ready.

"I Don't Want To Die a Dreamer"

To break you in easily, I will start with work.  

You finally left that job. It was inevitable, and I think you always knew that. You resigned when you obtained a position in uptown Charlotte for a real estate company. You put a deposit on a brand new apartment that was only a block away from your new job. You are going to be able to walk to work, and not have to worry about gas or parking, plus get to experience uptown life. You were really, really excited.

Except it did not happen that way.

You were starting this new job on a Tuesday, and the weekend before, you stayed at papa and grandma's. You and grandma were going to spend the day together shopping on Sunday to find you the perfect wardrobe for your new position. Ten minutes after you and grandma left to go shopping, your cell phone rings. It's the president of the company. Your job offer was rescinded due to budget cuts and immediate staffing changes the company had to implement. 

With a 3 minute telephone call, you became unemployed, lost that brand new apartment, and had to start from scratch without any certainty regarding the direction you were going in. 

But that's okay. You are a survivor and you can get through anything. You always have and you will always will. That was just a warm-up for what was to come, anyway.

You cried and sulked that afternoon, then hit the ground running. You sent your resume to over 300 places; even if they weren't hiring. It quickly paid off. The next Monday you had an interview with a man named John at successful company in the Ballantyne Corporate Park (your favorite place!). You clicked with him instantly and he even made the comment that he liked your spunk. He offered you the job Wednesday and you started Friday. The best part? It pays quite a bit more than the job you initially received and provides full benefits and 401k. 

You love your job and feel like you were meant to be there. Looking back, receiving that telephone call that the other job fell through was the best thing to happen to you. Your boss believes in you, gives you immense creative freedom, and provides just enough direction for you to grow, but still be independent. You work long, hard hours, you are constantly interrupted all day everyday while doing your work, always get thrown into meetings, you plan events and office functions constantly, and multitasking has never been so chaotic. You love every minute of it though. 

You find another apartment. You move back to the apartment complex that you lived in when you rented your very first apartment. It's 2 miles away from your job and the 5 minute commute every morning is wonderful. Because of your financial situation you are able to get a spacious one-bedroom apartment that is almost 900 square feet! Since you are back at that apartment complex, you join LA Fitness again and your apartment building happens to be right beside of it. You and Kel are back to your old routine of training together everyday after work. 

You're home, Liz. You are home. Remember when you had to abruptly change your life at the end of 2012 and everything was just a freaking mess? Well, 2013 is a mess too. You know that by now. It calms down, though. You are back in the Ballantyne area; your favorite place to be. The only place that has ever felt like home. 

Where does all of this leave your relationship though?

You are not with him anymore. And I wish I could tell you that you let go and never look back, but you don't. You never will. You love him far too much for it to ever be that easy; whether he deserves it or not. You knew you needed to leave though. You did not want too, but you had too. You are brave for that. That will happen November 1st. It's going to be hard. You are going to cry yourself to sleep so many nights. You are going to lie awake in bed and ache for his presence. You are going to doubt your decisions. You are going to have panic attacks. You're going to go through a dark period of depression. Nothing and no one can take that pain away. You are just going to have to be strong and pull through. Allow yourself to hurt and accept the pain so you can move on. 

You don't stop loving him and you never will. You know how you are. Tomorrow you are going to love him just as much as you do today. He was such a paramount part of your life; but for once you are going to love yourself more. You will have a lot of twists, turns, ups, and downs over this, but you keep going. You pray, you work hard, and you keep faith and hope alive in your heart. That is all you can do when it comes to that.

Surprisingly, the breakup is not the hardest part though. Your weight is. 

You have had a rough year... and your body and health have been through a lot. This caused you to gain a lot of weight. Your job situation and relationship just added to the cause. You let yourself go, Liz. You always knew what you were doing to yourself, but you were so mentally exhausted that you did not care. You still have a few more months of gaining weight until you realize this though.

Are you ready? You are going to weigh 262 pounds before you change your life.

November 25th, 2013 is a Monday; Dad's birthday (he is still hanging on, by the way). You will go to work at your fabulous new job and have a doctors appointment at 6PM for your annual physical. To kill time before your appointment, you go to Target to purchase some new clothes for work. However, nothing fits. Even a size 18 does not fit. Can you believe that? A size 18 does not fit you anymore. That is how bad it gets. You are going to break down in the dressing room, a Target employee is going to check on you, and then out of embarrassment you are going to run out of the store. Going to your doctors appointment and seeing the number on the scale right after this incident is just the icing on the cake. Thank God it was enough to push you over the edge and make you change your life.

Girl, you do it too! You have done it before and you can do it again. Except this time, you work even harder! You dig even deeper within yourself and face your inner demons head on. What is even better is that you write about it. You open yourself up and share your struggles and problems, even though they are embarrassing. That is because you are confident but humble, and it is important for you to do this to help other people. You have stuck with your blog, and made so many amazing friends. That makes it even more important to be a positive guide for someone who is roaming through the darkness that engulfed you for so long.

You love to write and you dream of that being your career. You did not want to die a dreamer, and you still don't. The difference is now you work harder than you ever have. You are down 63 pounds and have only 25 more to go. You blog at least 5 times a week. You are also well into your first book. It is not the mafia series you want to do, though. You need to dedicate much more time to research for that series. The book you are working on now is much more appropriate for you to be writing. You are healing through writing this book. Your hope is for this book is to inspire and give hope to people all across the world. There is also someone interested in being your agent and publishing companies that you have been talking too. You are being cautious though. You want this done right because it could set the foundation for the future. Keep taking your time and educating yourself. Knowledge is power. And when it comes to something like this, you need as much power as you can obtain.

Thus far 2014 has been the biggest year of your entire life. You have grown so much as a woman and as an adult. It is going to be loneliest year for you too, but you need it. You need to give up some of your social life for once and stop being so caught up in the "now". If you don't want to die a dreamer, you have to put in the work. Extraordinary dreams and goals require extraordinary effort and dedication. You are going to have to remind yourself of that almost everyday, because you do get exhausted. But keep trying. Push yourself to do the best you can every single day. That way, if you do die a dreamer, at least you tried. 

I always hear the quote "You do not know how strong you are until it is the only choice you have". I disagree with that. I believe that "You don't know how strong you are until you have every reason to give up and be defeated, but you don't." You keep fighting and you keep trying. That is strength, and right now, a year later, you are fighting and trying every single day of your life.

Lastly, I want to let you know that at the end of May you are going to cut 5 inches from your hair. It is going to suck. 

Oh and Robin Williams died last week. It was heartbreaking.

Love,

25 year old-August of 2014-Liz

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"Pretty, Lies": An Introduction (and Excerpt) to My Book

Disclaimer: Grab a cup of coffee or cocktail before you read this. You may need it. 

We all have dreams. We all have goals. We all have feelings and intuitions in regards to our life's purpose. Have you ever felt like you were meant to do something? That is how I feel when it comes to writing. 

I am not ridiculously talented at anything in life that would cause me to immensely standout amongst any crowd. I do not have an IQ that is so exceptional, it enabled me to receive scholarships to a top ivy league school. I do not come from background or family that has a prodigious amount of money. When I think about it, I am just an ordinary girl who has extraordinary dreams. 

I may not have any outstanding qualities or circumstances that could instantly catapult me  to success the way I want it, but I do have a strong mind that is constantly willing to learn, an understanding of hard work and what is required of me, and a heart that though it has been broken and bruised, never gives up. Those qualities are enough to provide me hope; which in my opinion, is the foundation if you want to accomplish anything.

I have dreams of growing Fitness Blondie to be the number 1 destination for all things health, fitness, and weight loss. More so, I want my blog to always be a place where you find hope and inspiration. Health is something so many of us struggle with for our entire lives; and I do not just mean in weight loss. Mental health... emotional health. Self-esteem. All of those issues are related. I want this website to be a resource where you can find ideas, have a laugh, get that bit of motivation to say "OK, I will go to the gym", connect with other people-- make new friends, and know that there is someone out there who genuinely enjoys seeing people happy and will do everything possible to help. Also, I still want to chronicle random and fun things about my everyday life. After all, I call this place my online scrapbook. I read my old posts often and cherish even the most mundane of memories. 

Fitness Blondie will be the launching pad. Additionally, I want to write books. I have so many stories and ideas that I want to tell. If everything comes together full circle and I do become successful, the last thing I want to do is travel and give motivational speeches. I have an entrepreneurial spirit and all three of my big goals are directly related. 

So there are my hopes and dreams. Of course there are a plethora of details on how I plan to execute these visions, but at least that provides an overview so I hopefully make sense in my actions and words. 

I think I am doing OK thus far with my blog. I have been writing for 14 months with a couple of small breaks due to unfortunate circumstances. I try to do a good mix of posts, be consistent, and always authentic. However, you can't force someone to like you, so I do what I can, and the rest is up to fate. I am still in the middle of my weight loss journey with 25 more pounds to lose, which I am continuing by clean eating and following my exercise regimen. In the meantime, I work a full-time job that enables me to have a roof over my head and food on my table.

With all of that being listed and said, in March I started planning my first book called Fearless. It is to be a memoir in depth about my life with recipes not shown on the blog, specific details on different workout plans I have created throughout the years, etc. I was well into writing, but then I realized I am not ready. I am not as fearless as I want to be yet. I am still developing. Nor do I feel like my story in life has been written enough for me to share. So I put it on hold. To be frank, I do not feel worthy to write Fearless just yet. Keyword: yet. I go back to the drawing board to think about what I am going to do next. Finally, last month, I knew the book I needed to write. 

So that is where I am right now. This is the "sneak peak" and the announcement. It feels deeply intimate to be sharing this; I feel as if I am standing naked in front of crowd. I know some are going to think my book synopsis is stupid and that I will never be published or make it, and that is alright. It is to be expected when you open yourself up to the world. 

As far as the logistics on my book, I do not really have any... yet. I have a good friend who is lawyer that is going to help, and I am in speaking with a person who has a career in the industry. I am receiving a bit of guidance and I am learning. 

I hope to finish the book by the end of September. I am not one to say I am going to do something and then not do it. I may not finish it by the deadline, and if I don't, it will certainly be by October. I work well under pressure, but I do not want to burn out. I still have a full-time job, this blog, 25 pounds to lose, and an apartment and cat to take of. Ha. But I am working hard. Because right now, it is do or die. I'm making sacrifices. I do not know what I will do about publishing. There are a lot of different avenues and possibilities, thus I will carefully access all choices that could be available for me. 

I'm scared. Honestly, I am so damn scared. There are so many celebrities who "write" books and people who are "better" than me who write; so why would anyone want to publish or read what I have to say? What if they laugh at me for thinking I could possibly make this dream a reality? What if people think I am delusional for thinking a dream like this could be plausible? Thoughts like that are coursing through my mind every step of the way. However this time, that's not going to stop me. This time, I'm going to be fearless and try. 

Over the next couple of months, I want to periodically share excerpts and updates on the book and how the process is progressing. I may share a specific senario, quote, or paragraph; it will vary. I just want to keep it interesting, get the word out, try to spread it, and receive any feedback or comments anyone may have.

Here goes nothing. 

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I Could Not Have Both Dreams and Love

I consider myself a really high energy, easygoing person. I am high energy because I thrive on being busy and go-go-go. I am easygoing because I am outgoing, friendly, flexible, and easy to please. Sometimes I keep myself so busy that every once in a while, I burn out. That is just how I am; I have come to terms with that. Not every affliction a person has is meant to be fixed. I go, go, go until exhaustion hits me in the face. Sometimes by doing that, I feel like I suppress feelings that I want to ignore, or forget. That works temporarily, but when those feelings comes to surface, it's usually really, really bad. 
That what I feel right now. My mind is all over the place. It's hard to properly gather my thoughts. I am writing this post on Sunday night. I have the windows open, and my phone and TV off. I am forcing myself to sit here, be alone, quiet, and acknowledge my feelings. I select that "new post" button to try to get my feelings out, understand, and find the solution on how to make my situation better. This one is really tough.
It has been over 7 months since I basically "started over". A new job, a new home, and a new weight loss journey. It feels like I have stood in the middle of a tornado blindly watching the immense and significant changes that have transpired throughout those months. I have to admit, they have all been wonderful and positive, but hard. 
Exactly a month ago, I wrote about "loneliness, hard work, and giving thanks". I guess one could say this is a follow up post to that, because I still heavily have to coach myself on that pain. A lot of times, I do not feel strong enough... it is a slow process. It is slower than weight loss, and actually harder -- which I never thought I would say. 
I enjoy being alone. I am a natural extrovert, but being alone has always been appealing to me. I like gathering my thoughts and resting my mind. Both of those I enjoy most when I am alone. However, when your heart has a monumental void and ache, being alone is a little different. Well, at least in my case. Maybe not for some people. I have made the most of the past 7 months with being alone and away from my prior partner... a man who has been such a significant part of my life. I never knew a person could go through so much with another person, or become  so deeply close. The type of close to someone, they feel as if they are part of you. Like you aren't whole anymore, unless you're with them. I never knew any of that existed until that relationship. In retrospect, I have never been a "relationship" type of girl (romantically). I have just been kind of free; "like the wind", I have heard. That changed dramatically when that relationship ensued. 
Two and half years later after the best times in my life, the most beautiful memories, the most horrible fighting, the biggest laughs, the sweetest moments, the most engrossed passion, and the most unbelievable pain, it all ended.
Just like that.
The person who you woke up beside everyday replaces your side of the bed. Your best friend becomes a complete stranger. The person who knows your deepest secrets, desires, fears, and dreams now knows nothing. The hardest part of all is when someone asks "Why did it happen?". There is no solid, real answer. It just did not work. That is very, very hard to accept. The only thing harder than losing him, was staying with him. The worst and the best are right beside of each other with an inconceivably thin line in between. That is so hard to get over, I am struggling so much with that.  
I try to ignore it because there is nothing no one can do to make it better. It just takes time - we have all heard that before. That is what I keep believing so that is why I keep going. Though sometimes my heart becomes unbearably full of the emptiness and void, that I crash.  
Sunday was one of those days. It's hard when you have to face the person I listed above, everyday because of a mutual hobby and passion. If you want to talk about pain, that's it. It is kind of like needing to lose 100 pounds and having to look, smell, and be close to cake everyday. It's like something is so physically close, but so untouchable and far. Yesterday, the feelings that I normally hold in so well, came to surface, and it was very hard. That kind of hard where you literally cannot breathe. Your heart is pounding out of your chest, your lips are going numb and tingly, your nose is running, and eyes crying so hard it feels as if your blood is coming through them. If  I was not internally screaming at myself to calm the hell down, I would have fainted. I believe the official term for that is a panic attack. 
That pain and hurt drains me. It drains the life and the passion out of me. I always try to work so hard at my job, my blog, eating clean - always have meals prepped, push myself everyday at the gym, be a good daughter to my sick parents and chaotic family, be a good friend to the people I cherish most, take care of all of life's needs that come with living alone; and it just gets exhausting, and so hard to do when you are not in a positive and happy mindset. That is why I suppress the pain of that love. That is why I rarely ever speak of it. I try to never talk about it to anyone anymore. No one can change it and it is not their burden to bear. 
When this pain I am writing about does come to surface, it single-handedly makes me doubt everything I am working for. It makes me think my body will never be where I want it to be physically. It makes me think I will never grow my blog, my story, and my passion to where I want it to be. It makes me think I will never become more than what I am. This pain makes me want to stop working and go back to the way life used to be before I started chasing my dreams. Because I feel like that is the only way to get my heart rest. He dislikes the requirements that come with what I want out of life, so if I give it all up, I can go back to the way we were. I want my heart to be light, I want to feel that warmth again.  
Thankfully, my mind has grown stronger than that over the past 7 months, and I know that I would never do that. I am a spiritual person, and I have a personal relationship with God. When I pray to him about this relationship and this pain, I kind of feel him saying "Liz, you need to make up your mind,. You have two demanding lives that you want, both of which cannot be done together (at this time). You have these dreams that you feel are meant for you, and they require sacrifices; love being one of them because they are selfish and require immense dedication." The stipulation about chasing your dreams, especially when they are undeniably hard and competitive is that they may never come true. 
Right now, I'm walking, slowly, up a very steep mountain with multiple forks in the road. I feel the weight of the world on my back and a heavy heart in my chest. 
I have rambled on, getting these thoughts out of my head and heart, so I can release this negative energy and try and move on from it. It is a slow process. It has been over half of a year and I am still really hurting. But I believe it will get better. To me, life is not worth living if it does not have faith. I am going to keep believing that today will be a great day, and tomorrow will be even better. That my hard work today, will pay off tomorrow. That one day I am going to look back and say "I am so glad I did not give up". I am going to acknowledge any pain I encounter, not suppress it. I am going to believe that hard work and faith will pay off in the way that it should be, even if I can't see it yet. 
Most importantly, I am letting go of  how life was. I have got to let go of the past . I have got to stop holding on. I am letting go of what I thought my life was going to be and accepting how it is now. I am going to take life one day at a time, work as hard as I can, and make the most of it. Hopefully, and optimistically, I believe that the life that is meant to be will come. I am going to slow down, and focus on what I can do today to make myself happy and successful. This way I am not so overwhelmed and stretched.

I now realize that I have been using the thought of what my life could be one day, to ignore the pain that I feel right now. That is why I heavily throw myself into work sometimes and become so exhausted. Then I realized, what if I never have "one day". What if I only have today?
I believe and will preach until the day I die on how essential dreams and goals are. But I also need to work on remembering, those are worth nothing if I am not present in today. I need to stop using "one day" as my happiness and remember the blessings that I have in life today. 

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Loneliness, Hard Work, and Giving Thanks

I am inundated with thoughts as I sit down to write this blog post. I am unsure how title it correctly; I want to write about my loneliness, finally working hard, and giving thanks for the new and surprising blessings in my life. It is always so easy to focus on the negative going on in our lives. I find myself doing that sometimes and I shouldn't. That is not how I operate. That is not how I live my life.

I am lonely a lot of times now. I would say I have been feeling this way for a little over a month. The "official" definition of 'lonely' is: being sad because one has no friends or company. I feel a bit dramatic calling myself that, but at times, it feels true. I am a natural born extrovert, but I enjoy being alone as well. However, when you live alone, you get a lot of time to be by yourself so I enjoy being around people when I can. It happens everyday at work and then everyday at the gym. A lot of times now, even though I am around a lot of people, I feel really alone. I am happy with my life - I am excited. I work constantly, be it at work or my weight loss journey, I am very productive, but I am lonely. I am not complaining, I am simply stating a fact. 

Here is a downfall about me: I have always worried more about a social life than working hard. When I started high school and all throughout my life since then, my social life has always come before anything. Since I dream so big and so hard, that is probably the worst things I could do. I have huge things I want to do and all of them are really, really hard. I want to become an author - write a memoir as well as fictional series, grow this blog and eventually create and sell fitness products (like a cookbook, fitness clothing, and fitness tools (health journals, exercise guides, etc), and travel doing motivational speeches. That is a lot of hard damn work right there. Obtaining those things is going to require a lot sacrifice, hard work, and long hours. Talk about "blood, sweat, and tears". For about a month now, for the first time in my life, I have really started working hard to accomplish those dreams.

And I realize what a lonely path I have chosen. 

However, I feel it is lonely in a good way though. There have been so many changes in my personal life right now, that I really can't keep up anymore. My father is terminally ill, his wife, my step-mother, just lost her sister, my mother is going through a lot of issues within herself and her life (which really breaks me down), and my grandmother is having such a hard time with my grandfather who recently fell into a glass table and broke his leg, knee, and cut his body really bad.  My immediate family has so much going on right now and so many issues of their own. Then there are friends. I am the type of person who considers friends, family. Growing up, I was always with my friends on holidays. I do not have a big family so I have always been a girl who is surrounded by a ton of friends. I am 24 years old - soon to be 25, and having friends now is not the same as it was a few years ago. Most everyone I know is engaged, getting married, and having children. They have their own lives and families now, and being a friend is not what it used to be. Then there are really close friends who change. There are friends who you love more than anything, you think you know them inside and out, and it turns out you really didn't. It's truly shocking when you love someone so much and one day you realize how little they love you. One of my good blogger friends Nadine said to me the other day "I really found out who my friends were in my 20's". 

With all of that being said, it has been a difficult transition for me over the past month. For the first time in my life, I am truly becoming independent and strong on my own to feet. I have lived alone and been financially independent since I was 20 years old, but I have always been surrounded by a big social circle. Now I am doing more things alone. I am not afraid to do that anymore like I used to be. If I want to do something, I don't depend on anyone, I go do it. I have been disappointed a lot lately. It is hard sometimes, but I know it has made me a stronger person.

Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I wanted to do big things. It's easy to dream and I did plenty of it. That is all I have done my entire life. My dreams were always pushed to the side though because it requires so much hard work. I had the ideas, but I did not want to sacrfice anything to obtain them. I was too caught up in the "now". What was I doing this weekend? What are we doing tonight? Plan this trip, plan that trip. That was all that mattered to me.

Now I want all of that to change.

I am beginning to understand that if I throw myself into my work, make sacrifices now, and at least try for all of these dreams and aspirations I have, in the future, I will be able to do all of the "fun" things I want. I remember when I was 18 years old, I was working at a typical corporate company part-time while I was going to school. I only lasted there 3 months, I hated it. Everyday there, people looked miserable. They complained constantly about their jobs and lives, they gossiped a lot about each other, and lived for Friday. I don't want my life to end up that way. And if I don't, I have to do something about it.

Thankfully, my current job keeps growing. I have been at my company over 6 months now. This job changed my life. The story of how I landed this position is a crazy one... and someone up above was looking out for me when I got it. Obtaining this job launched my weight loss journey and really helped me believe in myself after I had forgotten what that was like. I feel a part of something bigger than myself, I am stimulated, challenged, and motivated. I am given immense freedom and creativity, and I am getting assigned bigger and bigger projects and tasks. I want to keep growing and improving myself there, losing weight, and working on my other plans (such as this blog, of course) at night and on the weekends. For the first time in my life, that is what I have been doing and even though it is really lonely, I feel like if I keep working hard and trying, something big will finally happen.

That leads me to giving thanks, even though my heart is heavy a lot of times. I am thankful to have this change in my personal life because it is very new to me. Sometimes I have wanted to break down, and the tears have flown, but I refuse to let it tear me apart. I am seeing this "loneliness" as a time to better myself and finally try for the life that I feel is meant for me.

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All About My Week: Exhausted!

Whew.

It is Friday evening and my week is done. I am deliriously tired. It has been a nonstop, crazy, busy, but productive and positive week. I have worked nonstop between my job and the gym.

The majority of my week was devoted to setting up, running, and being involved at a leadership workshop for management; and then a communication workshop for employees. It was 3 all-day events that required a lot of preparation. My role is steadily growing at work and I truly could not be more thrilled. However, that combined with my weight loss journey gets exhausting, but I push on. I know it's worth it.

The workshops were Wednesday, Thursday, and today. Monday and Tuesday I spent majority of my days handling the logistics of everything. Part of that was purchasing refreshments for morning and afternoon breaks. Look at this pure torture that was in my car...

I did pretty good at staying away from most it; but I did sneak a brownie bite... or two. Ha. Tuesday afternoon as I was putting all of the pamphlets together and organizing our meeting rooms, I decided to get a little creative. I could tell a few of the department manager's were not looking forward to the workshops so I put an inspirational business related quote with the binders. It may be cheesy, but I like it. Others did as well.

Wednesday was day one of the management workshop. I of course, had to look my best. I also wore my new shirt that I have had for a week and worn probably 4 times now, ha. I can't help it, it has quickly turned into my favorite! The leadership workshop was really fun to me. I thrive in group settings especially when discussing business. I am the youngest manager by a long shot at my company; so I really made a point to ensure I was assertive and participate. People noticed. It was great!

Today was probably the most exhausting of days. All of the overtime from the week was catching up with me and I had a lot to do. After my morning meeting with my President, I took off to a 5-star hotel down the road from my office to negotiate with a sales manager about renting one of their ballrooms for my company's big quarterly meeting next month. We worked everything out and I cannot be more excited to hold our event here. The place is called "The Ballantyne Hotel". It is absolutely beautiful! The President stayed there when he was in Charlotte last year. We have a great room with a gorgeous view. I think everyone will really enjoy it.

This afternoon I picked up my new guitar. I have sang and written music my entire life. I played piano for 5 years also when I younger; but I did not enjoy it. I always wanted to play the guitar, but my parents would not let me. I have no idea why. For a few years I pondered the idea of playing the acoustic guitar but did nothing about it. Then this past Christmas time the thought of learning to play was eating me alive; but I still did not pursue it. However, now I feel it is the time.

The main reason I want to do it is for some emotional fulfillment. I am healing from my break up; it's been 6 months now, but it is still really hard on me at times. I live away from all of my family as well. Plus I live alone. I have a lot of friends, all of whom I absolutely adore, but sometimes I feel like something is still missing. There is still a hole in my heart. Exercising is my favorite hobby to do; but one can only train so much. I am very grateful and have a very full life with my job, weight loss and training, friends and going out, but I need to have something that I truly love - that relaxes me but still gives me hope. Something to ease my mind. Right now that is not a man or a partner. I feel it's music. Music was my first love in life; but it scares me because I do love it so much. As I have been healing from my break up, losing weight again, and adjusting to the abundance of changes in my life, I have written many, many songs. I have a voice to go with the songs, now I just need to the instrument to bring everything together. I have my first lesson this upcoming Thursday and I truly can't wait. I want to be the female version of Aaron Lewis. This video here moves me like no other. The day I post a video of me singing and playing this song will be the day all of my dreams come true, ha!

I am off to pick up dinner then start learning on my guitar a little bit. Have a great weekend everyone.

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A Season of Change...

What a week. What a life.

I feel like I have so much I want to say right now. I want to write my situation down on my blog, get out on paper, and get it out of my head. But I can't do that right now. There is a lot of uncertainty in my life and I feel a lot of hard changes coming. If there is one quote that has always stuck with me in life, it is this one:

and sometimes, a lot of times in life, I do not feel I follow this. I used too. But over the years I have transformed. I do not always like the person I have become. This probably does not make sense. Sometimes when your heart is speaking, your brain does not always translate the words and the feelings like it should. 

More soon on that. Now, back to this week.

It has been a pretty quiet and calm week. I have been battling mood highs and lows because of all the change coming forth in my job. I had a job interview yesterday. It is for the Executive Assistant/Administration Director to the CEO of a Real Estate company. The CEO is an amazing woman. She was voted one of Charlotte's 50 most influential women and CEO's, and has won many, many awards in the real estate world. She started her company from the ground a mere 7 years ago and has grown it extraordinarily. 

Yesterday was finally the interview. After completing an essay on why they should hire me followed by a personality test, I was called in for the interview.

When I went into it, I was pretty calm. I am used to interviews at this point. I have been trying on and off for a year for a new position. But in walks the CEO. She is very stern and intimidating. She knows what she wants and how she wants it done. Those are key components for a CEO so I do not know why I was surprised. 

She had a thick stack of papers in her hands. She sat down in the conference room across the table from me and dove right into asking the standard questions. They were very difficult to answer. You guys probably know how that is. Describe a time where the outcome of a specific project did not align to the clients requests and how you elected to rectify the situation. Ugh, I hate that. I'm not good at that. She asks all of those type of questions for each job I have ever held. It was not going that great. I stuttered some, did not know exactly what to say, and I was just ready to walk out of the interview. Literally in the middle of her asking those questions, just get up and walk out. But I didn't.

Next we get to the paper filled with words. Upon her reading each word, I had to rate myself a 1-6. One meaning I'm not good at all and 6 meaning that I am superstar. I was doing OK I thought and then she says the word "pragmatic". I had no idea what that meant. She did not either, really. She thought about it for a second and kind of explained it. And I believe the definition is "your ability to think logically and realistically". I could Google to verify, but who cares.

Just as I thought the interview was a complete bomb and a complete waste of an uncomfortable outfit, she says the word "ambition". 1-6? I don't think think so. I say 7. She laughs and it breaks the ice a little. She tells me I did a good job on the test. Then we get down to the basics. I get to tell her all about me, my life, and what I want. I told her how I admired her accomplishments so much and I want to strive to be like that. I also talked a little about her company since I did my research and how I would fit and be able to help her grow her business even more.

Gosh, being an interview is the biggest sales pitch of ones life, ha.

After an hour and a half, we close our conversation. She has had the job I interviewed for posted for a month and a half. She did this because she wants to ensure she finds the right person. She also added that she deleted thousand's of Resume's sent to her because they did not follow the directions on the job posting. You could not just send them your Resume, you had to write the essay on why you would be a good fit then attach your Resume. She told me to set up reference appointments with each of my references so she could call them. She then added that as long as the references went well, she would do a criminal and credit background check, and be in touch.

My current supervisor told me he just got off the phone with her and she told him that he provided one of the best references she has ever heard. Now we wait. We will see what happens next.

Other than the interview, this week has been usual. Working and the gym. Marquis and I are leaving for Myrtle Beach on Saturday because we have a meeting with a franchise he is considering buying. It will be a short trip though, we are coming back Sunday. 

How have you guys been this week? 

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I Don't Want to Die a Dreamer.

As I sit here, a million thoughts are racing through my mind. I just hope I am able to translate the words from my brain onto my keyboard and not sound like a complete idiot. I have been fighting an inner battle. I have been fighting it overall for about a year, but it is has been more taxing than it ever has over the past couple of weeks.

It is about having a career.

I am the type of person who thrives on accomplishment. I am a natural born extrovert and my zodiac sign is a Leo. I know a lot of people do not necessarily agree with "sign's" but those two words describe me to a fault. I have always been hyper, happy, peppy, and nonstop. I have had big, big dreams since I was a child, too. My first love was singing. Then I fell in love with writing stories and plays, and acting them out. When I was 14 I discovered "My Space". I made an account and saw all of these beautiful women and models who had public pages. I wanted to be just like them. That is when I fell in love with makeup and being in front of a camera. I knew without a doubt that there were four careers that I wanted to do in life: sing, act, write, and/or model. I would not be happy doing nothing else. I knew without a doubt what I wanted to do in life. But I was young! I had plenty of time.

Now here I am 24 years old and I do none of those things. I am just an "ordinary girl" from a tiny town in North Carolina. I was not a part of the rich elite, did not have any connections to the "business", nor support behind me to do something out of the ordinary like that. Why would something like that happen to a girl like me? What the hell would make me so special? People like me from places where I am from, do not "make it big". You graduate high school, hopefully get a college degree, work a 8-5 job, get married, have babies, raise them, and the end. There is nothing wrong with that, at all. But who is to say that is for everyone?

As I am looking back now, I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to work harder. I wish I could tell myself that if you want something in life, no matter how out of reach it may seem, work your ass off to get it. It doesn't matter what ANYONE thinks. If you fail, at least you tried.

When I was 17, life changed drastically. My mom divorced my extremely abusive step-dad, we moved out, and she had been diagnosed with MS. If you do not know what MS is, then you should really look it up. It is a God awful disease with no cure. My mom can't get out bed a lot of days. Walking to the bathroom is a task. Can't walk without a cane. Can't be in the sunlight because it hurts her skin. Can't work. Can't travel. It's a heartbreaking disease to watch someone you love go through.

So I put any crazy dreams I had aside so I could live with my mom, help her, work, and go to college. It was extremely draining. I was driving 45 minutes each way to work a minimum wage job, a full time college schedule, and helping take care of my mom and our home.

In 2010, when I was 20, she and her boyfriend that she has been dating since March of 2007 decided they were going to get married. She told me to go. Move to a big city, get a good job, and enjoy life. (I hated living in my hometown). So that I did. I was burned out with college, my minimum wage job, and I wanted a new start.

So March 15th, 2010, I got an apartment, and started a full time job as a Risk Manager. It was good pay considering I did not finish my degree and paid for my own place, but I was as miserable as they come. I worked in a basement of a huge internet company. It was a 5 story building and I literally worked in a basement with no windows. That alone is depressing. Not to mention, that the leadership was awful, everyone there hated what they were doing, and my supervisor just did not like me. One time she "wrote me up" for emailing her in a font that was hurt her eyes to read. She replied back for me to change the font and email her the same email again.

After a YEAR of applying for jobs until I bled, interviewing, and a lot of heartache. I obtained a new job. And this new job was my savior. When my VP called me to offer me the job, I cried and cried and cried. It is where I currently work now. It was significantly higher pay, half a mile from my apartment, and in a beautiful corporate park.

Taking the job was a little risky because it was a start up holding company, but the CEO/founder of my company is brilliant. He was CEO for one of the biggest businesses in the US, retired, and started the company I now work at... for fun. Things seem great, right?

Nope. Not in the least.

Working for a "start up" company is exhausting. It was rewarding, for the first year, but now it's just down right taxing. Explaining my job would take 10 years, so I will not get into that, but the summary is, I create business plans. It's just me, Excel, Word, and Powerpoint most days. We have no solid leadership. My CEO is retired, and just started this company for my VP to run so he is not involved in a lot of things. My VP has never been a leader before and is also our main "sale's guy". My Office Manager took on another full time job at her old company because her job here is so unsteady. Our Customer Service Rep quit, our Marketing Manager now handles half of customer service (she has never worked in a customer service setting before and my gosh does it show) AND works in our warehouse. Our IT guy now managers one our lawn care business. Really, an IT guy managing LAWN CARE? I have now taken over the other half Customer Service, a lot of the HR and Administration duties, and still creating business plans for potential businesses when my VP and/or CEO have a potential business venture.

We are all over the place. There is no structure. There is no leadership. It is pure chaos. Every day is constant battle trying to figure out problems and deal with angry clients. Not to mention, there is no automation here, all orders, Invoicing, everything is MANUAL. I never would have envisioned that this company would have turned out to be this way. We have had ample "come to Jesus" meeting's and nothing has changed. We had to leave our office in the corporate park this past December, and moved to an office space that is 75% smaller. It is so small, that I hear everyone when they go to the bathroom to pee. My desk is right beside of the bathroom. Lucky me, right? Most days though, it is just me in our office. Everyone else works from home on crazy schedules, but they needed one person "to hold the fort down" and that person is me. The youngest, the least experienced. I don't have to dress up, I literally come in my workout clothes because I workout everyday after work. You would think one would LOVE that, but I am telling you, after 8 months of it - it gets old. Some of the things I deal with on a daily basis are not getting paid. Yep, illegal right?! It happens. My Office Manager has "forgotten" to run payroll three times over the past 10 pay periods. It literally just happened to me Friday. Also, my internet and phone are constantly going in and out. I cannot tell you how many dropped calls, hang up's, unfinished projects, plans, and orders I have to encounter on a daily basis. And I complain, I beg for help, and resolutions until I am blue in the face, but nothing ever happens. What more can you do?

I could apply for a new job. I have been at my current employer for 2 1/2 years. I have given it a fair run. But would I really be happy? In the bottom pit of my heart and soul, I do not think I was created for the 8-5 desk job. There is truly nothing about the corporate world that interests me. BUT the corporate world, the 8-5 job is what pays the bills. I would rather work in a department store to be honest. I love being around people, running around all day, and working crazy hours. I would just make a fraction of what I do now. So what the hell am I meant to do? What is my purpose in this life? What is my calling?

I broke down last Thursday night. I am talking a private meltdown, crying on my knees, praying and begging to God, trying to figure out how I can make a change in my life. Last week was awful. I was in tears all day, everyday. A lot of my Blogger friends now that Marquis is an entrepreneur, I am fortunate enough to have a man that loves me, and wants to buy a business for me to run. That is great and something I am very open too, but it takes time. I also want something for ME. Something that I worked hard on, that my blood and sweat created.

I love working out. The gym is my savior. I blast my music, get lost in it, and forget about the world. It truly is my therapy. When I am in the gym and I get lost in my music, it's like I go into a fantasy land. I dream about the writing I have always wanted to do - becoming a best selling author, singing - winning a Grammy, acting, and modeling. I think all of the things that I have ever truly wanted in life. The music helps me picture myself living my dreams. And those dreams, being able to be lost in them at the gym for so many years now, have kept me going. My dreams of what I could one day be, helped me get through every single battle I have ever had in my life. Those dreams I have give me hope. But now it's starting to break my heart, because I feel like I am going to die a dreamer. I am going to look back at my life when I am 50 years old and realize that I never went for anything that I truly wanted. Time goes by so quickly, and here I am at 24 years old, and not having gone for any of it. I live for 5 o'clock. I live for Friday evening. And my God, I don't want that as my life.

So I have decided I am going to try to put my energy, my creativity, and my heart into writing a novel. It's a little embarrassing telling people you have a dream to do something out of the ordinary, but oh well. ​I love to write. It has been something that I have thoroughly enjoyed my entire life. My imagination is crazy, colorful, and all over the place, and I constantly have ideas. My grandmother and sister have told me over the past year that I need to write. Hearing them say that is pretty incredible. I started a weight loss blog in 2010 chronicling my journey and helping others, and because of that idea I had I have been on the radio, Fitness Magazine, Bodybuilding.com, and The Huffington post. But now I want more. I decided to just go for it. I have made it my mission to at least finish a book. I may not the best at writing, I may not ever succeed, but I want to be able to look back and say: at least I tried.

I have always had the biggest fascination with the Mafia/Mob. Documentaries, movies, anything, you name it and I wanted to watch it and act it out. "Scarface" and "The Departed" are movies I watch over and over and over again. So, I want to write my own series. With a twist. It isn't going to be your standard badass tale that you have read and watched over and over. But I have a lot I need to learn. Thus, I have ordered a couple of books and DVD's with documentaries. I already have 4 pages of ideas, scenarios, characters, plots, everything pouring through my head. I am going to work on researching and learning as much as I can about the history, culture, the past - everything, and then work on putting my story to life. All the while, I am still going to work at my job so I can have money for bills, savings, and life. I am just going to tell myself "this isn't forever. This is to get you by". And that is OK with me. If I know I am working towards a greater good in myself, it makes getting through the days easier and better.

Are you living out your dreams?

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