I Could Not Have Both Dreams and Love

I consider myself a really high energy, easygoing person. I am high energy because I thrive on being busy and go-go-go. I am easygoing because I am outgoing, friendly, flexible, and easy to please. Sometimes I keep myself so busy that every once in a while, I burn out. That is just how I am; I have come to terms with that. Not every affliction a person has is meant to be fixed. I go, go, go until exhaustion hits me in the face. Sometimes by doing that, I feel like I suppress feelings that I want to ignore, or forget. That works temporarily, but when those feelings comes to surface, it's usually really, really bad. 
That what I feel right now. My mind is all over the place. It's hard to properly gather my thoughts. I am writing this post on Sunday night. I have the windows open, and my phone and TV off. I am forcing myself to sit here, be alone, quiet, and acknowledge my feelings. I select that "new post" button to try to get my feelings out, understand, and find the solution on how to make my situation better. This one is really tough.
It has been over 7 months since I basically "started over". A new job, a new home, and a new weight loss journey. It feels like I have stood in the middle of a tornado blindly watching the immense and significant changes that have transpired throughout those months. I have to admit, they have all been wonderful and positive, but hard. 
Exactly a month ago, I wrote about "loneliness, hard work, and giving thanks". I guess one could say this is a follow up post to that, because I still heavily have to coach myself on that pain. A lot of times, I do not feel strong enough... it is a slow process. It is slower than weight loss, and actually harder -- which I never thought I would say. 
I enjoy being alone. I am a natural extrovert, but being alone has always been appealing to me. I like gathering my thoughts and resting my mind. Both of those I enjoy most when I am alone. However, when your heart has a monumental void and ache, being alone is a little different. Well, at least in my case. Maybe not for some people. I have made the most of the past 7 months with being alone and away from my prior partner... a man who has been such a significant part of my life. I never knew a person could go through so much with another person, or become  so deeply close. The type of close to someone, they feel as if they are part of you. Like you aren't whole anymore, unless you're with them. I never knew any of that existed until that relationship. In retrospect, I have never been a "relationship" type of girl (romantically). I have just been kind of free; "like the wind", I have heard. That changed dramatically when that relationship ensued. 
Two and half years later after the best times in my life, the most beautiful memories, the most horrible fighting, the biggest laughs, the sweetest moments, the most engrossed passion, and the most unbelievable pain, it all ended.
Just like that.
The person who you woke up beside everyday replaces your side of the bed. Your best friend becomes a complete stranger. The person who knows your deepest secrets, desires, fears, and dreams now knows nothing. The hardest part of all is when someone asks "Why did it happen?". There is no solid, real answer. It just did not work. That is very, very hard to accept. The only thing harder than losing him, was staying with him. The worst and the best are right beside of each other with an inconceivably thin line in between. That is so hard to get over, I am struggling so much with that.  
I try to ignore it because there is nothing no one can do to make it better. It just takes time - we have all heard that before. That is what I keep believing so that is why I keep going. Though sometimes my heart becomes unbearably full of the emptiness and void, that I crash.  
Sunday was one of those days. It's hard when you have to face the person I listed above, everyday because of a mutual hobby and passion. If you want to talk about pain, that's it. It is kind of like needing to lose 100 pounds and having to look, smell, and be close to cake everyday. It's like something is so physically close, but so untouchable and far. Yesterday, the feelings that I normally hold in so well, came to surface, and it was very hard. That kind of hard where you literally cannot breathe. Your heart is pounding out of your chest, your lips are going numb and tingly, your nose is running, and eyes crying so hard it feels as if your blood is coming through them. If  I was not internally screaming at myself to calm the hell down, I would have fainted. I believe the official term for that is a panic attack. 
That pain and hurt drains me. It drains the life and the passion out of me. I always try to work so hard at my job, my blog, eating clean - always have meals prepped, push myself everyday at the gym, be a good daughter to my sick parents and chaotic family, be a good friend to the people I cherish most, take care of all of life's needs that come with living alone; and it just gets exhausting, and so hard to do when you are not in a positive and happy mindset. That is why I suppress the pain of that love. That is why I rarely ever speak of it. I try to never talk about it to anyone anymore. No one can change it and it is not their burden to bear. 
When this pain I am writing about does come to surface, it single-handedly makes me doubt everything I am working for. It makes me think my body will never be where I want it to be physically. It makes me think I will never grow my blog, my story, and my passion to where I want it to be. It makes me think I will never become more than what I am. This pain makes me want to stop working and go back to the way life used to be before I started chasing my dreams. Because I feel like that is the only way to get my heart rest. He dislikes the requirements that come with what I want out of life, so if I give it all up, I can go back to the way we were. I want my heart to be light, I want to feel that warmth again.  
Thankfully, my mind has grown stronger than that over the past 7 months, and I know that I would never do that. I am a spiritual person, and I have a personal relationship with God. When I pray to him about this relationship and this pain, I kind of feel him saying "Liz, you need to make up your mind,. You have two demanding lives that you want, both of which cannot be done together (at this time). You have these dreams that you feel are meant for you, and they require sacrifices; love being one of them because they are selfish and require immense dedication." The stipulation about chasing your dreams, especially when they are undeniably hard and competitive is that they may never come true. 
Right now, I'm walking, slowly, up a very steep mountain with multiple forks in the road. I feel the weight of the world on my back and a heavy heart in my chest. 
I have rambled on, getting these thoughts out of my head and heart, so I can release this negative energy and try and move on from it. It is a slow process. It has been over half of a year and I am still really hurting. But I believe it will get better. To me, life is not worth living if it does not have faith. I am going to keep believing that today will be a great day, and tomorrow will be even better. That my hard work today, will pay off tomorrow. That one day I am going to look back and say "I am so glad I did not give up". I am going to acknowledge any pain I encounter, not suppress it. I am going to believe that hard work and faith will pay off in the way that it should be, even if I can't see it yet. 
Most importantly, I am letting go of  how life was. I have got to let go of the past . I have got to stop holding on. I am letting go of what I thought my life was going to be and accepting how it is now. I am going to take life one day at a time, work as hard as I can, and make the most of it. Hopefully, and optimistically, I believe that the life that is meant to be will come. I am going to slow down, and focus on what I can do today to make myself happy and successful. This way I am not so overwhelmed and stretched.

I now realize that I have been using the thought of what my life could be one day, to ignore the pain that I feel right now. That is why I heavily throw myself into work sometimes and become so exhausted. Then I realized, what if I never have "one day". What if I only have today?
I believe and will preach until the day I die on how essential dreams and goals are. But I also need to work on remembering, those are worth nothing if I am not present in today. I need to stop using "one day" as my happiness and remember the blessings that I have in life today. 

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I Don't Want to Die a Dreamer.

As I sit here, a million thoughts are racing through my mind. I just hope I am able to translate the words from my brain onto my keyboard and not sound like a complete idiot. I have been fighting an inner battle. I have been fighting it overall for about a year, but it is has been more taxing than it ever has over the past couple of weeks.

It is about having a career.

I am the type of person who thrives on accomplishment. I am a natural born extrovert and my zodiac sign is a Leo. I know a lot of people do not necessarily agree with "sign's" but those two words describe me to a fault. I have always been hyper, happy, peppy, and nonstop. I have had big, big dreams since I was a child, too. My first love was singing. Then I fell in love with writing stories and plays, and acting them out. When I was 14 I discovered "My Space". I made an account and saw all of these beautiful women and models who had public pages. I wanted to be just like them. That is when I fell in love with makeup and being in front of a camera. I knew without a doubt that there were four careers that I wanted to do in life: sing, act, write, and/or model. I would not be happy doing nothing else. I knew without a doubt what I wanted to do in life. But I was young! I had plenty of time.

Now here I am 24 years old and I do none of those things. I am just an "ordinary girl" from a tiny town in North Carolina. I was not a part of the rich elite, did not have any connections to the "business", nor support behind me to do something out of the ordinary like that. Why would something like that happen to a girl like me? What the hell would make me so special? People like me from places where I am from, do not "make it big". You graduate high school, hopefully get a college degree, work a 8-5 job, get married, have babies, raise them, and the end. There is nothing wrong with that, at all. But who is to say that is for everyone?

As I am looking back now, I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to work harder. I wish I could tell myself that if you want something in life, no matter how out of reach it may seem, work your ass off to get it. It doesn't matter what ANYONE thinks. If you fail, at least you tried.

When I was 17, life changed drastically. My mom divorced my extremely abusive step-dad, we moved out, and she had been diagnosed with MS. If you do not know what MS is, then you should really look it up. It is a God awful disease with no cure. My mom can't get out bed a lot of days. Walking to the bathroom is a task. Can't walk without a cane. Can't be in the sunlight because it hurts her skin. Can't work. Can't travel. It's a heartbreaking disease to watch someone you love go through.

So I put any crazy dreams I had aside so I could live with my mom, help her, work, and go to college. It was extremely draining. I was driving 45 minutes each way to work a minimum wage job, a full time college schedule, and helping take care of my mom and our home.

In 2010, when I was 20, she and her boyfriend that she has been dating since March of 2007 decided they were going to get married. She told me to go. Move to a big city, get a good job, and enjoy life. (I hated living in my hometown). So that I did. I was burned out with college, my minimum wage job, and I wanted a new start.

So March 15th, 2010, I got an apartment, and started a full time job as a Risk Manager. It was good pay considering I did not finish my degree and paid for my own place, but I was as miserable as they come. I worked in a basement of a huge internet company. It was a 5 story building and I literally worked in a basement with no windows. That alone is depressing. Not to mention, that the leadership was awful, everyone there hated what they were doing, and my supervisor just did not like me. One time she "wrote me up" for emailing her in a font that was hurt her eyes to read. She replied back for me to change the font and email her the same email again.

After a YEAR of applying for jobs until I bled, interviewing, and a lot of heartache. I obtained a new job. And this new job was my savior. When my VP called me to offer me the job, I cried and cried and cried. It is where I currently work now. It was significantly higher pay, half a mile from my apartment, and in a beautiful corporate park.

Taking the job was a little risky because it was a start up holding company, but the CEO/founder of my company is brilliant. He was CEO for one of the biggest businesses in the US, retired, and started the company I now work at... for fun. Things seem great, right?

Nope. Not in the least.

Working for a "start up" company is exhausting. It was rewarding, for the first year, but now it's just down right taxing. Explaining my job would take 10 years, so I will not get into that, but the summary is, I create business plans. It's just me, Excel, Word, and Powerpoint most days. We have no solid leadership. My CEO is retired, and just started this company for my VP to run so he is not involved in a lot of things. My VP has never been a leader before and is also our main "sale's guy". My Office Manager took on another full time job at her old company because her job here is so unsteady. Our Customer Service Rep quit, our Marketing Manager now handles half of customer service (she has never worked in a customer service setting before and my gosh does it show) AND works in our warehouse. Our IT guy now managers one our lawn care business. Really, an IT guy managing LAWN CARE? I have now taken over the other half Customer Service, a lot of the HR and Administration duties, and still creating business plans for potential businesses when my VP and/or CEO have a potential business venture.

We are all over the place. There is no structure. There is no leadership. It is pure chaos. Every day is constant battle trying to figure out problems and deal with angry clients. Not to mention, there is no automation here, all orders, Invoicing, everything is MANUAL. I never would have envisioned that this company would have turned out to be this way. We have had ample "come to Jesus" meeting's and nothing has changed. We had to leave our office in the corporate park this past December, and moved to an office space that is 75% smaller. It is so small, that I hear everyone when they go to the bathroom to pee. My desk is right beside of the bathroom. Lucky me, right? Most days though, it is just me in our office. Everyone else works from home on crazy schedules, but they needed one person "to hold the fort down" and that person is me. The youngest, the least experienced. I don't have to dress up, I literally come in my workout clothes because I workout everyday after work. You would think one would LOVE that, but I am telling you, after 8 months of it - it gets old. Some of the things I deal with on a daily basis are not getting paid. Yep, illegal right?! It happens. My Office Manager has "forgotten" to run payroll three times over the past 10 pay periods. It literally just happened to me Friday. Also, my internet and phone are constantly going in and out. I cannot tell you how many dropped calls, hang up's, unfinished projects, plans, and orders I have to encounter on a daily basis. And I complain, I beg for help, and resolutions until I am blue in the face, but nothing ever happens. What more can you do?

I could apply for a new job. I have been at my current employer for 2 1/2 years. I have given it a fair run. But would I really be happy? In the bottom pit of my heart and soul, I do not think I was created for the 8-5 desk job. There is truly nothing about the corporate world that interests me. BUT the corporate world, the 8-5 job is what pays the bills. I would rather work in a department store to be honest. I love being around people, running around all day, and working crazy hours. I would just make a fraction of what I do now. So what the hell am I meant to do? What is my purpose in this life? What is my calling?

I broke down last Thursday night. I am talking a private meltdown, crying on my knees, praying and begging to God, trying to figure out how I can make a change in my life. Last week was awful. I was in tears all day, everyday. A lot of my Blogger friends now that Marquis is an entrepreneur, I am fortunate enough to have a man that loves me, and wants to buy a business for me to run. That is great and something I am very open too, but it takes time. I also want something for ME. Something that I worked hard on, that my blood and sweat created.

I love working out. The gym is my savior. I blast my music, get lost in it, and forget about the world. It truly is my therapy. When I am in the gym and I get lost in my music, it's like I go into a fantasy land. I dream about the writing I have always wanted to do - becoming a best selling author, singing - winning a Grammy, acting, and modeling. I think all of the things that I have ever truly wanted in life. The music helps me picture myself living my dreams. And those dreams, being able to be lost in them at the gym for so many years now, have kept me going. My dreams of what I could one day be, helped me get through every single battle I have ever had in my life. Those dreams I have give me hope. But now it's starting to break my heart, because I feel like I am going to die a dreamer. I am going to look back at my life when I am 50 years old and realize that I never went for anything that I truly wanted. Time goes by so quickly, and here I am at 24 years old, and not having gone for any of it. I live for 5 o'clock. I live for Friday evening. And my God, I don't want that as my life.

So I have decided I am going to try to put my energy, my creativity, and my heart into writing a novel. It's a little embarrassing telling people you have a dream to do something out of the ordinary, but oh well. ​I love to write. It has been something that I have thoroughly enjoyed my entire life. My imagination is crazy, colorful, and all over the place, and I constantly have ideas. My grandmother and sister have told me over the past year that I need to write. Hearing them say that is pretty incredible. I started a weight loss blog in 2010 chronicling my journey and helping others, and because of that idea I had I have been on the radio, Fitness Magazine, Bodybuilding.com, and The Huffington post. But now I want more. I decided to just go for it. I have made it my mission to at least finish a book. I may not the best at writing, I may not ever succeed, but I want to be able to look back and say: at least I tried.

I have always had the biggest fascination with the Mafia/Mob. Documentaries, movies, anything, you name it and I wanted to watch it and act it out. "Scarface" and "The Departed" are movies I watch over and over and over again. So, I want to write my own series. With a twist. It isn't going to be your standard badass tale that you have read and watched over and over. But I have a lot I need to learn. Thus, I have ordered a couple of books and DVD's with documentaries. I already have 4 pages of ideas, scenarios, characters, plots, everything pouring through my head. I am going to work on researching and learning as much as I can about the history, culture, the past - everything, and then work on putting my story to life. All the while, I am still going to work at my job so I can have money for bills, savings, and life. I am just going to tell myself "this isn't forever. This is to get you by". And that is OK with me. If I know I am working towards a greater good in myself, it makes getting through the days easier and better.

Are you living out your dreams?

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