Love Bugged

Love Bugged

Nowadays, couples therapy isn’t just for long-term partners—more people in new relationships are seeking professional help.

Is it a waste of time or time well spent?

Jennifer and Henry’s* first date was right out of a rom-com. “We went kayaking and then

stayed up all night telling each other our life stories,” says Jennifer, who is 24, the same age as Henry. “After that we were just together.”

But the happy ending never materialized. “All of a sudden we couldn’t pick a movie without screaming at each other,” admits Jennifer, of Santa Cruz, California.

But they didn’t want to just give up, feeling like if they did, the time they’d spent together would have been wasted. So they went to therapy— right around the three-month mark.

Hope and Alex, both in their early thirties, together nine months, are the kind of blissfully happy couple who probably call each other “Boo” in private. Still, they spend Thursday nights in therapy. “Everything’s perfect now,” says Hope, of Sacramento, California. “But we want

to make sure it stays that way.” It used to be that couples therapy was only for unhappy

marrieds.

They went because a certain issue wouldn’t stop rearing its ugly head or because it had become clear that without the intervention of a third party, objects would be thrown. Or, maybe, they were forcing themselves to stay together for the kids. It would have been unheard of for a noncommitted new couple who were already fighting to get professional help rather

than just change their Facebook status back to single. Or for a couple who still has sex five

times a week to seek out a shrink. (Isn’t that like going on OkCupid when you’re

already dating Bradley Cooper?) Not these days.

“I’m seeing more and more people who are just dating, not necessarily looking to get married,” says Mary Kay Cocharo, a Los Angeles–based therapist, “and they are coming in earlier, sometimes when they’ve been together for less than six months.” And she’s not

alone: Therapists across the country are reporting an uptick in barely committed pairs who are sitting down with shrinks. “Given the increasing number of couples living together before

engagement or marriage, it would make sense that a higher percentage of couples seeking counseling would be unmarried,” says Brian Doss, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychology at the University of Miami.

“Research shows that therapy increases satisfaction for all types of couples.”

The trend is, in part, a reflection of the modern-day must-have-it-all expectations for a relationship. “We have set the bar so high for what we want from a partner,” says Susan Brown, Ph.D., a sociologist at Bowling Green State University. “We want a confidant, a lover, and a companion, all rolled up into one person. While we’re aware we’re asking a lot, we still want to be the person, that exception, who gets that perfect, idealized relationship

that we know intellectually may be impossible. There’s that bridge between fantasy

and reality. The patients hope therapy can provide that bridge, so it’s no wonder people are going earlyon in relationships.”

Early Intervention

Nonmarrieds have gone to couples counseling for quite some time, but they’ve usually done it right before they’re about to walk down the aisle.

What’s different now is that the people who are finding themselves therapists (typically in their twenties or early thirties) aren’t necessarily getting hitched.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, just 51 percent of all adults in the United States

are currently married—a new record low. The number of new marriages dropped by

5 percent between 2009 and 2010, and just 20 percent of 18- to 29-year-olds are

married today (compared with nearly half in 1980).

“I am completely not in that [getting married] head space right now,” says Sequoia, 27,

of Boston, who has been in therapy with her boyfriend for six of the nine months they’ve

been dating. “What I’m doing right now with Josh is learning how to communicate better

in general, which is useful for any relationship, whether we stay together or not.”

Just because people may not be eager to put a ring on it doesn’t mean they aren’t interested in being crazy in love. “You have this whole generation of kids of divorce who want love and

companionship,” says Brown. “They aren’t under the illusion those things are necessarily

forever. But they still want their relationships to be as good as they can be.”

Smart or Self- Indulgent?

Not everyone is cheering on these proactive partners. “A lot of my single friends think

I’m crazy for going to therapy with someone I haven’t been with for long,” says Jennifer.

Hope says she gets baffled reactions too. “My friends tell me, ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t

fix it.’ The meaner ones just call us narcissists.”

And not all therapists have the patience for it. “Most people, over the past few generations, have become increasingly immature and self-absorbed,” says Julie Nise, a relationship trainer and therapist based near Houston. “Going to counseling when you’ve been together only six

months seem premature to me. They’re looking for an audience to bitch and complain to.” Having a therapist, she feels, is akin to having your own personal trainer or fashion stylist. “It’s a chichi thing to do,” she says. Cocharo is skeptical of that idea. “Yes, I do get a lot of

people who come in because another couple told them it was great,” she says, but she doubts people would make themselves that vulnerable just because it’s popular.

(Plus, it can be pricey!) Whatever the motivation, this generation of therapy seekers might be well served by being forced to sit and speak to each other. Texters and Tweeters are often less adept at communicating one-on one, says Licia Ginne, a psychotherapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. “They often need help learning how to relate in a more emotional way,” she says. (Here’s her tip: Don’t text each other a play-by-play of your entire day.

“Save some of the news for when you see each other.”) In the end, Jennifer doesn’t mind being mocked by her single friends and is keeping her weekly talk sessions with her beau. “Just about every married person I know thinks we’re smart for doing this,” she says. “And even though we started out not thinking about commitment, I feel that going to therapy has made it more likely that we will commit.”

All Fitness __ Love Bugged 

  By Sarah Miller

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8 ways to go natural

Find an heir

Popcorn shouldn’t need to be smothered in butter to taste good, heirloom popcorn

enthusiasts say.

Companies cultivating the centuries-old plant using organic, sustainable farming practices are popping up nationwide, and proponents say their popcorn is more flavorful and easier to digest than commercial varieties. Plus, keeping heirloom plants in circulation helps preserve genetic diversity in our food supply.

 You’re good enough, and smart enough ...

If you suffer from chronic stress, here are three good reasons to carve some

me-time into your day: A brief selfaffirmation can relieve acute stress,

increase your creativity and even make solving problems easier, suggest researchers at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, Pa. Students who participated in the study were asked

to rank their values—such as artistic or athletic ability, or relationships with family members— in order of importance. Researchers noted improved problem-solving

in the stressed students who wrote about their most important values compared to the control group who wrote about ones they considered much less important.

Spread your wings

Help the nonprofit On Wings Of Care in its mission to track and rescue wildlife and domestic animals in need, provide rehabilitation services and help preserve the ecosystem with aerial, sea and ground missions with a tax-deductible donation.

Request a window seat

Workers in offices with windows get more and better sleep at night, are more physically active and have a higher quality of life than those in windowless workplaces, a Northwestern University study found. “Office hours occur at a time of

day where light exposure has a strong impact,” says study co-author Ivy N. Cheung, a

doctoral candidate in the interdepartmental neuroscience program at Northwestern

University in Chicago. “Therefore, lighting in the office has effects beyond the workplace.” Try to get outside for a walk or eat outdoors during your workday, Cheung says. “Morning light is most important for regulating circadian rhythms,”

she adds.

Face facts

 Need an ego boost? Log on to Facebook and check out your own profile.

A University of Wisconsin at Madison study recently found that subjects exhibited an increase in self-esteem after perusing their own profiles for five minutes—but longer than that reduced motivation to perform cognitive tasks well. The study authors think that seeing idealized Facebook versions of ourselves might make us rest on our laurels a bit and not feel as obligated to pursue goals that could increase our self-worth.

Take a healing vacation

Give your getaway a healthy makeover with a retreat at Hippocrates Health Institute in West Palm Beach, Fla. Their oneto three-week Life Transformation

Program offers instruction by renowned health experts Brian Clement, Ph.D., L.N.C., and Anna Maria Clement, Ph.D., L.N.C., in raw vegan cooking, detoxing, meditation,

yoga and emotional healing. Even better, all this learning happens in a serene, tropical setting. Pricing and accommodations vary, and financing is available.

Make an impact

For each bag of GMO-free maple oat, blueberry honey and vanilla almond granola sold, Impact Foods and partner World Food Program USA provide a meal for

kids in impoverished nations.

Tap your animal instincts

Animal Flow at Equinox 02 fitness clubs combines a series of fluid movements that mix

elements of parkour, break dancing, gymnastics, running and circus arts. The result? The primal movements target hard-to-work muscles so you see results quickly.

02 fitness 02 fitness 02 fitness 02 fitness

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The Hidden Face of Eating Disorders

 

Picture a person with an eating disorder and you may envision a privileged, slender, teenage girl. But the face of eating disorders may be much different than we imagine—even younger and not always thin, female, or Caucasian. “We’re seeing a different population of kidswith eating disorders, and it’s quite a sizable group,” says David S. Rosen, MD, MPH, a researcher at the University of Michigan and lead author of a 2010 study reporting a dramatic increase in hospitalizations

for eating disorders in kids under the age of 12. Other research suggests that 5% to 10% of all

eating disorders occur in boys. “We still see kids that are the stereotype— teenage girls who come from more affluent, educated backgrounds,” Rosen says. “But now we’re seeing boys, kids of color, and kids as young as 8, 9, and 10 who are showing up with very serious

anorexia nervosa.” As early as 1991, studies noted a shift in kids’ thinking.

 Researchers reported that 42% of first- to third-grade girls polled wanted to be thinner, and 81% of 10-year-old girls were afraid of being fat.

Some children with eating disorders may not look underweight, Rosen explains, because they started eating disordered behaviors when they weighed more or their behavior hasn’t directly resulted in weight loss. But his study points out that failure to grow and gain is a problem for developing children;they should gain weight on a consistent basis.

Weighing 15% less than one’s ideal body weight (relative to height) is generally the measurable criterion for anorexia nervosa. However, Rosen’s study indicates that children who don’t meet this markercan still be in trouble because they experience fear of eating, perhaps fear of gaining weight, andconcerns about their body—issues that loom large in a little person’s mind.

“Some kids are concerned about choking, and others fear they are overweight,” says Rosen. “Somekids get very hung up on the fat content of food because their grandpa had a heart attack and somewhere they picked up the information that heart attacks are caused by eating too much fat and having bad cholesterol. There are a lot of different issues.”

According to Rosen, some kids may process messages about obesity in ways that adults hadn’t anticipated. He encourages parents who suspect a problem to have their children screened by a pediatrician and possibly assessed by a psychologist, adding that sometimes a disorder can be hard for family members to identify in young children.

Experts agree that elementary school-aged kids may not be able to verbalize many of their feelings, but indications of sadness and worry could be red flags regarding an eating disorder.

Naturally, parents wonder if they are partly to blame. “The top question I get from parents is,

‘What did I do wrong?’” says Johanna S. Kandel, founder of The Alliance for Eating Disorders

Awareness and author of Life Beyond Your Eating Disorder: Reclaim Yourself, Regain Your Health, Recover for Good. “Eating disorders are like a perfect storm where so many factors come together.

“Letting go of everything you think you know about eating disorders is a good first step to gaining understanding,” says Kandel, who believes strongly in research linking a genetic predisposition to anorexia and bulimia. “I always say genes load the gun, and the environment and situation pull the trigger, so parents shouldn’t blame themselves but instead realize they can have a tremendous positive influence by encouraging healthy eating at home.”

There is power in parents modeling healthy attitudes toward food, she explains, noting that it helps to refrain from using food as a reward and to avoid classifying foods as good or bad. It’s also helpful to encourage a relaxed attitude at mealtime instead of engaging in a power struggle with a child.

“There are many ways to treat eating disorders in children, and not all treatment methods are equally effective,” says Sarah K. Ravin, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in treating children struggling with eating disorders. “Research shows that family-based treatment, also known as the Maudsley Method, is the most effective type of treatment for children under 18 who suffer from anorexia or bulimia.” Ravin says it’s also helpful for parents to arm themselves with accurate, up-to-date information.

“I recommend a nonprofit organization called FEAST [Families Empowered and Supporting Treatment for Eating Disorders

—    Michele Deppe

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June – Plant of the Month Garlic

 While saving money might not be the driving force behind your home-grown veggie project, you certainly don’t want to lose money, either. As it happens, garlic is one of the most cost-effective plants you can grow. What’s even better is that these little pods are extremely easy to care for, bud beautifully, and are exceptionally versatile in the kitchen.

1)Plant the cloves with the root end pointed down, about 2 inches beneath the soil. If you wish, you can cover the planted cloves with a layer of mulch.

TIP: “Cracking” is when you break the bulbs apart into cloves for planting. It’s best to separate garlic cloves as close to the planting time as possible.

2)During spring growth, garlic needs about an inch of water each week. However, be sure not to overwater your bulbs once they are nearing maturity.

TIP: Mulch is a great way to ensure that your garlic is getting just the right amount of moisture.

3)As soon as leaf growth begins, start to foliar-feed your garlic every two weeks. (This is a technique of feeding plants by applying liquid fertilizer directly to their leaves.)

4)When roughly half of the leaves turn yellow, it’s time to harvest!

TIP: During harvesting, if you pull too hard you may break the stalk from the bulb, which can cause it to rot. Instead, carefully dig up each bulb from below.

5)Tie the garlic together in bundles and hang them to cure for about 5 weeks in a shady, dry area.

TIP: When your garlic is dry, recycled mesh bags are great for storage!

 By Sarah G. Mason

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Life Secrets 2

Learn to use your eyes to their full potential. Make constant eye contact when in conversation. Looking away(especially down) is a sign of inferiority and uncertainty.

Master the piercing stare. You know when someone looks at you and it feels

like they can see into your soul? Work on sharpening your gaze in the mirror. You’ll

know you have it when it’s intimidating to continue looking at yourself.

Master the one-eyebrow raise. This one isn’t necessary by any means, but hey, why not? Pick a brow to learn with and go look in a mirror. Raise both of your eyebrows but use your hand to hold down the brow that you want to stay down.

Be mysterious. Don’t let off everything about you and definitely leave out some major details. There is something both alluring and mesmerizing about someone who no one knows fully about.

Relax! Yes, work is very important and productive but you need to take some time to chill out everyday or you are going to burn out faster than a candle with no oxygen

.

Work out those abs. Above any other muscle group in the entire body, the abs are the most important. They constitute your core, the center point of your body.

Keep your brain sharp. The majority of people are stuck in ruts. They go to the samejob everyday, hang out with the same friends and eat at the same places. While that may feel safe, it’s not the most stimulating lifestyle for your brain. Switch it up!

Choose your friends wisely. You are affected far more than you think by the people you spend your time with. Do your friends share your values? Do they encourage you when you speak of your goals and dreams or do they scoff? Make sure the people around you are conducive to the lifestyle you want to lead.

Do what you love. We only live life once, so why wouldn’t you want to spend it pursuing your bliss? To do anything else would be a tragic waste of the freedom you are allowed if you are reading this right now.

Don’t burn bridges. By that I mean maintain your relationships with people even if you think you are never going to see them again. You never know when you might need the help of someone you knew in the past (Life Secrets 2).

Keep a journal or diary. It sounds like a very monotonous habit at first, but when you get into it, that little book will become a great way to organize your thoughts and track your growth over the years

Learn to use and trust your subconscious and intuition. When you spend time in silence everyday, listen not for words but for a feeling that tells you to do something. Do not mistake your own reasoning and thoughts for those of your subconscious. If you can track where the thought came from, (this thought led to that thought which led to this thought, etc.) then it was not from your subconscious.

Come up with a life mantra. You know, like “carpe diem” or “live life to the fullest,” but not as cliché. Make it something that really resonates with you so that you will actually stick to it (Life Secrets 2).

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Life Secrets

Get good at something Call it a hobby or a passion, whatever it is, just get good at it.

Your occupation does not count!

 Learn to be unaffected by the words of others. If someone went up to you and called you a fire hydrant, would you be upset?

No because you are obviously not a fire hydrant, you are a human being. The same concept applies to when someone calls you something that you know you are not .

Develop the ability to forgive. Forgiveness is something at which most people fail.

 Grudges only bring more miseryto those who hold them and prevent good relations with the target.

 People make mistakes all of the time so why not have mercy when others do (Life Secrets)?

Be the person that makes others feel special.  Be known for your kindness and sympathy.

 Visualize daily. It has been said, and proven, time and time again that what you focus on is what you get. If you complain all of the time, you will run into more of the things you complain about.

 The same goes for good things like health, wealth and happiness.

Meditate everyday for at least 20 minutes.  In this modern world where everyone is so connected to everything else via cell phones, TV and internet, most people rarely enjoy the beauty of silence. The ability to quiet your mind and relax your body is an art and skill that everyone should develop.

Learn to control your mind. What kind of skilled human are you if you cannot even control your own thoughts? While the human mind is described as being a stream of consciousness, that does not mean you

can’t decide where your stream flows

.

Learn to control your emotions. The only person that can make you unhappy is you! You are the one that decides to be affected by the words and actions of others.

Realize this so that the next time you experience a negative emotion, you can find the strength within yourself to overcome it.

Take a class in speed reading.

 Books are full of information that can enhance your knowledge base, vocabulary and yourself as a person. Speed-reading is an easy way to get at this info faster so that you can have more time for other endeavors (Life Secrets) .

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